I am tired, and I am angry; not in the physical sense. There are things I want in life, I've said this before, and likely again, because I'm little better than a broken record player, especially when I don't listen to the things I keep saying to myself over and over again.
I've also said before that I finally know who I am... this is true, but who I am does not fit with my surroundings. This is the area in which I grew up, these are the people around me who have known me for a long while, and while they are dear to me, they know too much of who I was to understand who I am now. This isn't a cry or declaim about how I'm misunderstood as a person, this is a statement that I am growing older, that priorities and decision making and goals are different. I am out of tune with the small town life in the middle of the Midwest. It is an ill-fit, that is all. Like clothes that have grown too tight.
There are things I expected, I've waited patiently for them, I've done the sensible thing, the right thing, more often than I care to count. I have rarely followed my passions, because I was raised that you must think before you act, and that when you want something really badly, you tend to ignore the things you don't want to hear/see, and barge ahead down toward the bad decision. This is true, and I have avoided many pitfalls which my contemporaries have not. But this cautiousness has backfired. I have developed a tendency to be apathetic, and I'm so bad at chasing my interests, I've developed such a sense of panic and guilt about chasing interests to the detriment of level-headed decision-making, and therefore chasing something into folly, that when I do chase something, I only half commit. Half commitment is a piss poor way to go through life, especially if this is the only life we have. I'm sick of it. I have prepared for a "good life." I have studied for it, I have tried to do the right things, make the right decisions, be responsible... and I have forgotten to live my life. Why the hell should I be waiting to live my life? It has cost me years, and I console myself with the fact that my family is long-lived... but that's no guarantee. I am missing something here, life. Something you can't get more of for the asking, something you can't simply hit the reset button for and try again. How much longer before I become something between a has-been or a never-was?
I am sick of it. I found the things I wanted, they were difficult to achieve, and I refused to chomp at the bit, because I have learned that fighting the current leaves you weak and defeated... unless you are a strong swimmer. I've never even attempted to be a strong swimmer... I simply thought I'd use the currents to flow more easily down the river of life... but the currents take you where they want to go, not where you want to go. Right now? This is an eddy: this place, this time, this life.
I thought if I were patient and paid attention, the answers to life's big problems would present themselves. They have not. It's like waiting for a message from God... my divination is pretty shit. People look for messages all the time, they wait for signs, messages from God, omens, karma... and when nothing happens, they look for anything they can find, and make it fit... even if the people are careful to not always make it seem like they are getting their way. It's a gigantic game of self-deception, and I did it for a long time, though I never fully committed to any of the signs I thought I might have seen. (And maybe I'm wrong, and the universe really does align for some people, people more dedicated than I am, or less frustrated) I will not be doing it any longer. Actually, I have not done it for some time, but I have not rejected it outright until now.
I hear the phrase often, "If it is meant to happen, it will happen." And while that thought may be consoling, believing there is some order and place for everyone in the Universe, I don't believe it. Things happen if you want them to happen, you affect changes, you make ripples, and if you're lucky the pond you're swimming in lets the ripples bounce back to you to carry you forward. And sometimes it's a fluke, and things just work out easily.
As of now, I'm a ball of anger and disappointment. I did my part, I saved up my life so I could invest it in something worthy... and I've reached the investment point, the investment deadline, and I see nothing to invest in. Anything worthy of investing is closed to me. It's making me look at life in general, to really examine my own life, and I find it wanting.
A friend recently asked me, "What do you want in life?" And another, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" For the longest time I didn't know what I wanted to be, but I thought I knew who I wanted to be... or at least what type of person I wanted to be. But, as it turns out, I'm not really the person I wanted to be. I am turning into a person I did not want to be. I am becoming more dismissive of other people, of their logic and ideas, of their ideas of what life should be. And maybe that's what growing up is about, becoming a fully functioning adult. And then you become the old, closed-minded fool you always hated, who wonders why the hell the younger people don't understand the way things are. Maybe that's the vicious cycle, that you eventually grow into the monster you hated. I can think of some other dynamics, but my bitterness has fastened on this one for the time being.
What do I want from life? Who do I want to be? What is my dream job? I want to be family man, I want to be brilliant and know a lot about everything, I want to figure things out faster and better than other people and have a reputation for making good decisions, but I want that ability earned through my dedication to learning, to paying attention, to examining myself to avoid pitfalls of pride and bigotry. I want to be an old man who lived a full life, who is wise and kind, who did well and created a happy family. I want big family reunions, I want to look over at an old, wrinkly, and dear woman and be able to say, "We did well. This was a life well lived. I'm proud." I've tried to be this person, and if my investment returns me nothing... I can't even finish the thought. That's what I want from life, that's who I want to be. My dream job? I want to be a father/husband who operates an Inn, they kind where my kids run around and cause mischief I must fix, but need to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at the same time. And I want to blacksmith on the side. That is my dream job. Now, how do I apply for it?
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