Upsidedown-edness

I turned in half of my final paperwork for transference of grades from Bremen. Earlier today I thought everything was solved, I have 2 appointments to get 2 people to sign my last paperwork. Then I should be home clear, and graduate. The thing is, I still don't trust it. I don't believe I'm going to get the credit. I don't believe everything is settled. I don't believe I will graduate. (I also didn't believe I would actually spend a year in Germany, but that happened) But the point is, I'm still losing sleep over the credits. I'm fearful; too much is up in the air; too much is riding on these few papers. Think about it, you're life, the course it takes and the decisions you make that will shape the next stage of your life, years upon years, the potential for everything, all of it resides in a little bit of ink on parchment. This must be akin to the way Faust felt signing his soul over to the devil. My stomach is roiling, my head is spinning, and my sickened fear is mixed with a heady delight. I'm afraid to pick up the prize, my diploma, for fear it is booby-trapped. :/ And my stomach still feels upsidedown.

The Little Uncertainties

I never seem to get back to editing my posts as I would like. I leave them for later, but when later comes I'm too busy to edit them, I have forgotten entirely, or I have something else on my mind.

Right now the other thing on my mind is the transfer of grades from Uni Bremen to my home university. Not having the grades transferred and complete has cost me another year of school to make up for the credits. There has been a great lack of communication between myself and the professors at Uni Bremen. The short version? Unlike colleges in the US, where the teachers submit their grades to the Registrar Office, whose job it is to keep track of academic progress, in Germany the collection of grades resides solely with the students. They must collect the "Schein" at the end of the semester, which confers credit upon the completion of a course. Funnily enough, even though I passed my classes (as far as I know) and I know what grade I got, most of my professors asked me to come back later to collect the "Schein." And, because my schedule for being in a foreign land, and Germany's strange semester schedules/professor schedules, I never met back up with the professors to "collect the Schein."

Now, it's a year later, and when the professors haven't been unresponsive to my emails, they've been blank messages sent back (1 reply). My sponsor and I think we have found a workaround, but... at this point, I'm a little scared. I'm fearful that the paperwork we've drawn up will be rejected by the professors if it's submitted in the wrong manner. Then what will I do? I have a meeting tomorrow with my sponsor, to go over the final parts, but... it's a pain, and my stomach is turning somersaults. I have until the end of the week to get everything cleared and apply for graduation. The entire next stage of my life, my depends on this week, everything for the last 10 years comes down to the paperwork I'm so unsure about. It's amazing how much it's making me sick to my stomach. Normally I don't let things bother me enough to actually affect me physically, but now... I can't seem to help myself.

Go away fish, go far away... especially you big ones... swim far, far away....

A Few of my Favorite Things

I was asked recently for my favorite song. I thought about it for a little bit, and realized I can't really put my finger on a top favorite song. I have many songs that are favorite, and whereas I used to have an alltime favorite, now it really depends on my mood. However, there are songs I hear, which I like regardless of what mood I'm in. I think these then must be my favorites. So, I'll try to narrow them down to a list of 10, though I'm listing them as they come to me instead of rating them 1 to 10.

(Edited)

1.) Farewell - Apocalyptica
http://fizy.com/#s/1mxhgb

2.) The Promise - Michael Nyman
http://fizy.com/#s/1m513i

3.) Dirty Blue - Wovenhand
http://fizy.com/#s/1mqe1s

4.) Alice - Avril Lavigne
http://fizy.com/#s/1dh5n3

5.) Orion - Metallica
http://fizy.com/#s/1lshox
http://fizy.com/#s/1n51o4 (also the version by Rodrigo y Gabriela)

6.) Lateralus - Tool
http://fizy.com/#s/1lvv8x

7.) Shine - Collective Soul
http://fizy.com/#s/1nb392

8.) Mad World - Gary Jules
http://fizy.com/#s/16k3aa

9.) Fields of Gold - Sting
http://fizy.com/#s/1ltxxe

10.) Phantom of the Opera - Nightwish; & the original classic as perfomed in the movie
http://fizy.com/s/12h7u8

I can't listen to Carmina Burana without getting goosebumps, so it should be here somewhere.
Carmina Burana
http://fizy.com/#s/1lurqg


And I thought there would be several others, but as it turns out, in finding these links, I remembered what seperates my very favorite songs from the songs I just like a lot. I've decided my favorite song must be Farewell by Apocalyptica. I believe you learn a lot about a person from what they listen to, what they read, and what they write. They all are things which reflect from the person. Actually, I think I'll list some more songs, but later... tonight is already late. Also, I will likely reorganize the the list of 10 from top songs to the slightly less favorite. I'll leave a description of why I like these songs above all others as well.

There are a few other's that need to be mentioned if I'm really going to make a list. All of these songs affect me, and I never get tired of them.

Just about anything from the band Tool, especially the last three albums.

Anything by Ennio Morricone is hauntingly beautiful.

Apocalyptica has an amazing ability to make songs that are somehow powerful, and feel complete. Often they hit the perfect note at the perfect time. That's really all the more I can say about them.
Helden - Apocalyptica featuring Till Lindemann of Rammstein (I love how the music is melodic, powerful, and how the scary strength of Till's voice is held in check by the lyrics; how the message is resolute and uplifting, even in the face of trouble)
http://fizy.com/#s/1majfi

Lily was here - Dave Stewart & Candy Dulfer (I really like the way duets sound, especially instrumental duets)
http://fizy.com/#s/1mad3v

From the album "Throwing Copper - Live"
The first 7 songs are amazing. Definitely one of my favorite albums of all time, and the only reason I didn't list one of these songs above in my top 10 is because I can't choose one.

1) The Dam at Otter Creek - http://fizy.com/#s/1md3et
2) Selling the Drama - http://fizy.com/#s/1md3er
3) I Alone - http://fizy.com/#s/1mne91
4) Iris - http://fizy.com/#q/iris+live
5) Lightening Crashes - http://fizy.com/#s/1ohtut
6) Top (I can't find a link)
7) All Over You - http://fizy.com/#s/1m09yo


Mudvayne (Warning, this is hard rock. Why do I like it? It's well done, and no matter how angry I may be, these songs are angrier. It's like they're purified frustration or revenge, but yet they're far from mindless. Why do I listen to them? I think it's the same reason I listen to heavy metal in general, it leaches the anger and frustration away from me. It's like the music takes everything from me and leaves me clean. No, I don't really understand why. And although it was my favorite kind of music for about 10 years, now if I'm not in the right mood, I can't listen to it; I now prefer light rock.)
1) Not Falling - http://fizy.com/#s/1mgd8w
2) Mercy, Severity - http://fizy.com/#s/1qtei0

Hey Ya - Outkast (It's catchy, I really wanted to hate this song when I first heard it, but the more I heard it, the more I liked it)
http://fizy.com/#s/1m7y86

Gorillaz (Their music is just strange, and somehow that makes me feel good)
1) Clint Eastwood - http://fizy.com/#s/1lv51p
2) Feel Good Inc. - http://fizy.com/#s/1m1xfk

Crash - Dave Mathew's Band (a favorite from my childhood, I don't really have the words to describe why)
http://fizy.com/#s/1lrmkw

No Rain - Blind Melon (Very funny music video, but this song is nearly genre-less, for me anyway, and that's why it's special)
http://fizy.com/#s/1luosq

Christmas Eve, Sarajevo - Trans-Siberian Orchestra (another song that can give me goosebumps)
http://fizy.com/#s/1m1uc0


Yes, looking at this now, I am quite aware there are far too many songs to listen to here. I got carried away. On the other hand, I do now notice a lot of similarities between my favorite songs, most of which I didn't expect. I expected a long list of heavy metal songs... but they're not really the songs that touch me. Ah well, guess I should get over it, I'm just not as hard as I think I am. So I'll leave you with this song. I love his voice... and it seems a fitting place to end. ;)

What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
http://fizy.com/#s/1ai5y5

Lost my Muchness, have I?

I've so many thoughts in my head right now, so many things I thought I should say, or at least organize here in writing, that I don't know where to start. Actually, I've decided whenever I have too much to say, it's better to just not say much at all.

Well, I'm here anyway, I should say something. I'm watching Alice in Wonderland again, the 2010 version by Tim Burton. I love most of his movies, and Alice most of all. I love his movies for the same reason I love Guillermo del Toro's movies. They are fantastical, and dark; abstract as well. It makes sense, abstract and dark are two of the words I hear most in reference to my writings, so it stands to reason that I would like those things about others'... art, I guess is the right description. Creations is perhaps better. Anyway, I love their films, they are the perfect mix of reality and fantasy. They're dark, and vicious, but still have a silly, lightheartedness I believe essential to living in an indifferent universe. (I'm a fan of the Clockwork Universe) The faun in El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) is amazing. At once both darkly menacing and trustworthy, or at least, there's something about him that makes one dare to trust him. It's a fine line to tread, but I love that aspect. I think there's a whole world through that perspective that remains untapped by the vast majority of people. And, just for good measure, I must say I love the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland. Especially the song as Alice is chasing the Rabbit in the Waistcoat (McTwisp), and the first song as the credits begin to role. They are both varying degrees of intense, almost shrill and disturbing, yet somehow beautiful and comforting; powerful.

http://fizy.com/#s/1dh5n3 (hey, it's stuck in my head, and I like it. Deal with it) (Many thanks to my Turkish friend in Norway for giving me the idea to steal this website for my blog)

Anything that can make someone feel powerful like that... it's amazing. I keep a drawer of oddities, things I've picked up in various places, all of which have commonalities; they tickle my imagination, make me reminisce, and make me feel like the person I am is powerful and in control. (My father started this habit of mine, he had a drawer of odds and ends, and about once a year as I was a child, when the fancy hit me, I would open the drawer and go through it, asking what everything was and learning the stories behind each item. I wasn't the only one, all of dad's children and grandchildren did it... I may have done it with the most frequency though. Thanks dad.;)

I said before I marathoned Alice in Wonderland. I find Alice's rant in the middle of the film inspiring. "I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream!" "That is not foretold. If you diverge from the path..." "I make the path!" (paraphrased) I think that's very much part of the question of life. I ranted and complained days ago about all the decisions, everything piling its weight on top of me, but I should have remembered this quote. I forgot, I reverted back to my old belief that there was a plan for me, some kind of destiny (I should note here that I think of destiny as water flowing downhill, it's destiny that it will reach the bottom eventually), and if I waited patiently and obeyed the rules of conduct, all would be revealed to me; the path lain out before me. I have never seen a clear path in my life, and the happiest time of my life was the when I believed I made my own path, that even if I did have a destiny, it would be somehow fulfilled by my traveling down my own path. My decisions are the right ones not because I know the right answers all the time, but because I'm making the decisions for myself, not letting another live my life through their decisions for me. I've given this advice to others, and meant it with all my heart, but somehow forgot what it meant for my own life. And this all sounds like fine and fanciful talk, but it means something quite different when not on the page, when it's picked up and carried throughout the day, when it's actually believed. Part of this is not worrying about mistakes... mistakes are simply the things we learn that we were unable to learn another way. What might have been is not nearly so important as what is, although what might be is at least equally important as what is.

"You're not the same as you were before. You were much more... muchier. You've lost your muchness. Something's missing... in there."

Anyone who reads this, remember your muchness. (Yes, it's sappy and silly, but what's the harm, really?) It is your life, viva la vida.

Explanation

I feel compelled to provide an explanation for my more recent ramblings, more numerous than usual. I guess the explanation is more for myself, to see if I can convince myself of the whys of what was written.





I think the first place to begin is pressure; the pressure that only time can provide, the weight of hours, the ticking torment only a timepiece can ensure. Deadlines are approaching; I have to decide what to do with my life. Do I continue studying? Do the credits from Bremen really count toward my graduation here? If so, then I am finished with my Bachelor Degree at long last, 8 years and 4 majors after having started. If not, then I must quickly enroll in the few classes I still need to graduate. And when I do graduate, be it this semester or later, I must decide if I should go to Graduate School as well. Or do I finally finish with school, something I've long for since I was around 10 years old, and join the working world? If so, where should I work? Who will hire me as anything other than a teacher with my degree in History, and minors in Creative Writing and German? I refuse to be a teacher, my mother and sister are teachers, I can't stand the job. Other positions with history include being a researcher, which I hate; an archivist, which is a glorified librarian, which I hate; and the list goes on. I have to convince someone that I'm worth hiring as a smart person who can be taught, rather than using my degree for a specific job. I'm a terrible lier, honest to a fault; I tell the truth even when I should lie. Selling myself is something I'm terrible at; I either sound like I have no confidence in myself at all, or I sound like a total know-it-all asshole. Just the way it is, I don't know how to change it; I've tried. (I also tend to overuse semi-colons)





I want to go back to Germany. It's no secret in this blog. It was the happiest I've been, and I love that while in Germany I became very good friends with people from all over Europe. Eastern Europe is my favorite place, the people are full of life and optimism, there's something to be accomplished. In the west of Europe, and in America, people expect too much, they never seem to be happy with what they have. I actually prefer East Germany to West Germany. Even though the countries don't exist separately anymore, there is still a significant cultural difference. Community and family are much more important in the east, I fit in well there. But, for all that I want to go back to Germany, I have a few reasons for staying; the main reason being my dad. He turns 79 in a few weeks, January 31st. Typically my family on both sides lives into their late 80s and 90s. The record on my dad's side is 108, and on mom's 103. However, dad's health is failing. It was terrible and we thought he had only a few months to live, but he's recovered now, my sister is taking care of him, and he's 100% better. I had left my plans for going to Germany when his health suddenly declined. Now that he's doing better, I still want to go to Germany. I don't want him to die while I'm away though. He's actually the only real tie I have here. Most of my good friends are married and have children, which means I see them only a few times a year, and when I do, they're always preoccupied with their spouse, or their kids. My dad and I have always been close. I know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but I'm pretty sure I was/am my dad's favorite, out of 7 children. He was/is my favorite parent, my mother and I have always been a bit strained. Anyway, I hope that my dad will live long enough for me to come back, but I have no idea when that will be. He's been the most important person in my life, and I'm torn between being here for him, and leaving to live my own life. Honestly, if I stay here, there's not much I can do other than visit and keep him company for a few hours every couple of weeks, when I have time from work. But if I go, how much will I be kicking myself for being away, especially if he does die?



All of these are the decisions weighing on me. They make me un-confident, pull the carpet from beneath my feet. I am not grounded during these times, I'm not grounded now. It's almost like a person drowning, flailing about and grasping for anything to keep them at the surface. At these times we depend on friends and family. Late at night, when I'm alone, my friends are reduced to their writings online; the rest of them sleep. Looking for inspiration, a floatation device, still; I borrow heavily from them, from the comforting past with them, from new and current writings of theirs. I borrow, and I talk a lot about what others say, because it distracts me from my situation. I talk too much, sometimes, I'm like a drunk who doesn't shut up, and who says things he's not qualified to say, and says things he might completely intend at the time, but later his better judgement comes back. That's not to say I don't believe there's at least a kernel of truth in everything I say, but further than that... it's all opinion. And it's opinion of the time, which I reserve the right to change as new things are brought to my attention. Above all... I ramble. It's my way of examining anything and everything. I put in in a sentence the way a scientist puts something on a slide to view with a microscope. After it's in sentence form I'm free to examine it, to see in detail everything about it I wish to know. Well, not everything, but many things.

Actually, during these times, I borrow heavily from whichever friend I believe can help me the most. It might be a little excessive, I may read too much into a friend, or a friend's writing, but usually after I've figured out what bit I need, or think I need, I move on to someone else. It's like finding something in the mud, I pick at it until it finally comes free and becomes clear. Then I've learned, and I move on to the next shiny thing covered in the mud of things I don't know or understand. These shiny objects may be something a friend said to me once long ago, which I feel has perspective on whatever is bothering me, or something a friend has written, or even an action a friend made. Sometimes they're not even friends, sometimes it's movies or books, or famous quotes by famous people. Once I watched Alice in Wonderland for a week straight. There was something in the movie, something about the way it was set up that I felt I needed to understand. I finally figured it out; it was Alice, it was how she went from not knowing what to do with her life, how she lived her life according to the rules everyone prescribed, and how in the end this amazing inner person shone through, how she became outwardly the amazing person she was inwardly, confident in herself and her abilities, trusting in the little snippets of truth she had had with her all along. In fact, thinking about it, I'm not so sure I shouldn't be watching it now. Perhaps this is a lesson I forgot? When I was younger I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 5 times in the theater to understand Jack Sparrow, his quiet confidence in life and how he managed to wrest control time and again from nothing, how he turned the chips around when everything was against him. Again, it's a little obsessive, I know, but it works for me. Unfortunately, when it's a person and not a movie, I tend to smother the friend or the family member with too much attention. I've driven my sister and a few of my friends nearly mad before. Oops.

Normally though, I learn what I needed to learn. And some time away, not bugging friends, usually results in no harm done.

As for this time? I'm still ungrounded, but I think I have a battle plan to get through my decisions. It's time for me to grow up, keep more of my own council, and make some things happen. I said before that I thought I'd found the secret to life; the secret was being present in your life, living it. I still believe that, but sometimes the waves around are too high to see clearly, and you can't really act so much as react to what's happening. I choose to wait for the storm to pass.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Our moods do not believe in each other." He was a smart man. If I had a past life, I hope I was him or someone like him. I wonder how much he annoyed his friends, or what kinds of friends he had. I wonder if he rode the waves of confidence and doubt the same way I do. His sayings and writing tell me that he did, and by this, I am comforted. I await the new dawn, and lay plans to conquer the world of tomorrow that will soon surround me. Wish me luck, or come join me if you wish.

Eunoia

It comes from the Greek word εὔνοια, meaning "well mind" or "beautiful thinking."

It is also a rarely used medical term referring to a state of normal mental health.

In rhetoric, it is the goodwill between the author and the audience.


I can think of no more beautiful a word. I once met someone who thought beautifully; I have been forever changed. How fitting, that it is also a medical term for normal mental health. It has been my guiding light, a word-encapsulated concept that pulled me back to my senses. A word complete with name and face, even before I knew the term, what it was or what it meant. I find the concept has curative properties. Remember this word, Jason; take a breath, calm your heart, steel your mind. Remember, life has worth, for the living, for the living of life, if there are, if there can be, beautiful thoughts somewhere in somebody's mind.

And how apt that it also describes my relationship with you, dear reader. I forgot this word recently; it is a word to hold dear.

Just another day

Today was a good day. It wasn't a fun day, I didn't get any great news, but it was a day I accomplished something. Today was cold, and I worked outside in the cold the entire day, I didn't even get to take a break for lunch. What today did, was prove to me that I can succeed, that I can accomplish something, even if it's not glorious or wonderful. And at the end of this day, I am very tired, but quite pleased.

I'm now thinking about my last few posts here, and I think, My god, am I really so sensitive? It seems obvious that I must be, but I think I'm not so sensitive all the time. Today was a new day, and it was enough to change my outlook on life, my life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

And now I wonder if I should change this into more of a journal? We found a journal from my younger brother (I'm trying to stop calling him my little brother, since he's 22, even though I'm sure he will always be my little brother somewhere in the back of my mind) a few days ago. It was from 1999, and he wrote briefly about the things that happened then. It was the year Andy (Andreas Grigat) came to stay with us from Gusow, Germany. It's hard to believe this will be the twelfth year that we will have been friends. Andy is a very wonderful and dear friend, we get each other. Usually we go around a year to a year and a half without talking to each other, but when we do talk, it's as if no time has passed. I guess that's what you get with true/close friends, it's not so important what you talk about, it's just great to talk with someone who understands you.

Hmmm, on a side note, it occurred to me that I have at least two readers, and that knowledge has somehow made me more attentive to what I write. I don't know why, there's nothing here I want to hide, but knowing someone is reading, even people whom I very much respect and am glad are reading it, it makes me more self-conscious about what I'm writing. I've been thinking about why this is so, and I believe it has something to do with not wanting to give away all of my secrets; I don't want everyone to know all of the little things that make me tick. Like I'm a watch or a clock that maybe looks complex, but actually is very simple once you understand how the little gears, my motivations, work. And now thinking about this seems ridiculous, but my timidity also has to do with something I once heard someone in a command position say. "Telling the crew all of your faults and doubts can be disastrous." "But isn't it better to be honest with the people you lead?" "It is important, yes, but how can you expect others to believe in your decisions if you don't?" However, I also don't want to be one of those people other people refer to as "A locked box." :/ Hmmm, for right now I think I should leave this question/problem alone. Maybe I should just be less sensitive? Actually too, I hate it when someone assumes they know you, and acts like they know you really well, but they don't. I hate that kind of pretension. Some part of me thinks that someone reading this blog would assume they know me, but they don't. Again, this seems ridiculous. As far as I know, only friends read this, and anyone else probably won't ever use this to overstep the bounds of friendship. So, there really isn't a problem to solve, all I have to do is trust in my friends. Heh, that was easy... and now I feel better. Thanks for being friends I trust. Therapy complete. ^^

Pets

My fish are questions

swimming— to, fro; in circles

inside my tufted bowl

I feed them daily,

but sparingly—

small answers only

Larger fish are carnivorous,

saltier, searching for other fare

they slide a path

to my soft underbelly,

eating infrequently, but

biting deeply, they devour

me slowly. I watch them

carefully, gazing inward

as their fish eyes stare out

Certain days, like today...

Every so often, on certain days (of which today is one such), everything comes to me as if the sun shining shows me everything I am... or, more specifically, everything I am not. On these days all of my faults and failures form rank, they line up squarely in front of my mind's eye , and stalwartly refuse to move. Or perhaps it is more the inversion of a bright light. Normally in sunlight, the extra brightness shows you the details of what you're looking at... but that's only if you are between the sun and what you are looking at; if what you are looking at is instead between yourself and the sun, then all you can see is a bland and black silhouette. Now imagine you're looking at yourself, at your life, from a 3rd person perspective, as if your eyes could leave your body and search you from another angle. Today, my eyes peer into the sun; they see only the great blackness I spread before the brilliant backdrop. Infantisimal my silhouette may be before the sun, but the darkest possible because of the light. I see only the black hole of my failures thieving light.

I have days of angst. I think to myself perhaps it's the Romantic kind, like Existential Angst... but I know it's not; my days of angst stem from the realization of everything I've failed. I am a failure. I've set before myself many goals, and I find them hard to achieve without changing them in some way to make them easier. It's like I'm cheating myself in order to win. How fucked up is that? Normally on bad days like this I just ignore myself and wait for the next day, but some days refuse to be ignored. These days I can't escape, I believe, are fueled by the realization that I'm not living up to my potential. I am letting myself down by becoming complacent. I am still not what I want to be. Maybe it's this place, being in my hometown, still not graduated from college; it shows me that I've only spun my wheels and gotten no further than where I started. I can't really blame others for my failures, much as I may wish to. I guess that should really go both ways though, since I tend to credit others for my success. Maybe I should take a little more pride in the things I have accomplished, maybe they're not all just things that fell into my lap.

I think that's one of the major problems with learning quickly... I never have to work very hard to learn things, so everything is easy, and when it's not, I'm easily discouraged. I'm well aware this is not a legitimate problem. "Oh, he's too smart, how sad for him." I get it, truly, but my problem remains; I don't work hard enough. I'm suspicious of anything that comes easy, and I've a fear of enjoying anything too much. If I enjoy it, I know it will be either taken away or interrupted in some way. It's the same way you refuse to pull out a book you enjoy on the bus, because you know you'll either miss your stop, or, more likely, you'll be so distracted by everyone else and by trying to not miss your stop that you won't be able to enjoy the book at all.

I'm thinking of the movie Stardust. In it there's a line where the Star says, "There are shopboys, and there are boys who work in shops." I very strongly hope I am not a shopboy, but I wonder if I am because of the lack of credentials to my name. I am not what I am supposed to be, not yet.

One last complaint... a few days ago I wrote about a friend... now I'm shocked at my audacity to believe I could consider telling another what to do. I am not there, I am not the person, and I don't know for sure what the intended meaning of the words was.

Maybe the feelings of this day will pass; I hope they do. I do know that our emotions don't believe in each other, what we feel today is what we think we will always feel, but emotions are like the weather, about as powerful, out of our control, and permanent. So I convince myself there is peace to be had, the emotions will pass like the clouds eventually do. Until then, all these Question-Fish are piranha, staring at me with their unblinking fisheyes, biting me deeply....

Actually, upon further reflection

I've been re-reading a few of my blog postings, finding comments I missed before, and so on. The issue staring me in the face as I read these blog postings, is that an overwhelming number of them are very down. I think I've said it before here, I tend to write most when I'm troubled and trying to sort my thoughts. Unfortunately, that means this blog is a collection of all of my "Down Time." I've re-read certain older posts and thought to myself, jeez, this guy needs to go outside and smile for a while. And then I rememeber that I'm the one who wrote everything. :/ So, from now one, I'm going to try harder to write during my "Up Time" as well. :)


(The above looks kinda like a flimsy disclaimer, doesn't it? "No, no, I'm not as depressing as I make myself sound, honestly.) Heheheh xD