People

"The words that are spoken at a funeral
are spoken too late for the man that is dead.
What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral,
to sit at the front and hear what was said....
Maybe to say a few things yourself."
(from the movie Waking Ned Divine)


"Polite, aggressive if necessary, friendly, mature, patient, untidy but smart"
(a friend's opinion about me)



We never know what people think of us. I think we are too embarrassed to tell people how they really affect us, and we're too embarrassed to hear how we affect people. I don't think any normal person likes to be hoisted upon a pedestal, it's too high and we're afraid of falling, we're labeled with terms we don't have the perspective to understand, we react modestly because suddenly the other person's expectations are too high, and we who are being complimented are afraid of disappointing the person complimenting us. It seems only when in situations that we are dying, or parting from someone for what might be forever, are we allowed to say what we think, and only at these times can we accept what another person thinks of us, as if to say, "Don't be so unkind. You may not survive to pass this way again, and these be the last friendly words you'll hear" (Barbossa POTC). Are we so desperate? The times of dying we want whatever comfort can be had, and the times of parting we know we will never have to disappoint the complimenter, is that what makes these times okay?


I don't like these rules. I've grown up in a culture where everyone (or most people) give lip-service, where people say "nice" things because it's the "polite" thing to do, where true honesty and true compliments are rarely given, and when they are one or both of the people are uncomfortable. I've determined to tell people what I think of them, to pay them the compliments they deserve, because the truth is, we never know how we affect other people unless they tell us. It's the same concept as Miracle on 34th Street. People can go their entire lives feeling like a failure, unaware of what they've really accomplished, unaware of who they have affected and helped. They can easily feel miserable and low, and just a single thank you from a sincere person can change life; it can let them know their place, their role in the world, and make all the difference at the time when that person needs it.

Recently I've discovered some effects I've had on other's lives. One friend told me I constantly remind him there's a world outside of the one he's living in, it makes him want to better himself. I had no idea. This kind of influence is important, and to find out you have that kind of effect is humbling. I found out too that my younger brother labels me "teacher." Not teacher like the person you suffer at school, but someone who teaches, someone who knows things worth learning. I never knew this, I spent years thinking he ignored everything I said to him, but I'm told he quotes me often. This changes one's life. It's such a little thing to have feedback, but it's a pivot point. Talking for years to someone you think is not listening you are tempted to give up, but to find out they listen, and even more to find out they have a high opinion of you??? That's amazing, and changes everything you think about yourself.

People can tell you many things, but these things don't matter unless you believe them. Your parents can compliment you all the time, but they are your parents; you expect that. Your parents can tell you you're a great writer, and it's wonderful, but when a writer tells you you're a great, it has a different, stronger, meaning. When you see someone living the life you were too afraid to live, it becomes easier and you feel the freedom to embrace that life.

It's said, "When the student is ready the teacher will present himself." There are several ways to understand this, the most romantic being that when the student is ready, the teacher will come and find him, but this is also the most unlikely. More likely the student is finally ready to learn something, and when he is, he will find someone to teach it to him. I think that sometimes, when one is very lucky, the perfect teacher comes along at the right time, it's a mixture of the romantic and the likely. I've experienced this a few times, but definitely the strongest when I was in Germany, when I was in a transition point in my life; I found the most perfect teacher to teach me about who I was and who I wanted to be, after meeting this person and spending time together, I suddenly felt that the person I was, and the person I wanted to be -- was me. And the person that did this for me, the person that finally gave me back my life and made me realize that who I am is exactly who I'm supposed to be, did this for me without ever trying to, without ever knowing it had such a changing effect on my life.

So many times we never know what effect we have on others. How many lives do we change without ever knowing?

And just as important, how to we tell and thank those people who change us?


Occasionally

As you walk this life,

you stumble into persons

who are truly wonderful.

After, you realize it is they

who make this worth living,

and everything else is paltry,

but a play of pale color

and shadow.

Getting What You Want

I don't understand how I can change my mind so much in one day. Yesterday life was very clear, I knew exactly what I wanted from life, but today... today I don't remember. Actually, I do remember, I just don't remember why. Yesterday I felt deep down, in my gut, what I wanted; I felt it with conviction and certainty. Today... today it feels like it doesn't matter, it's not important anymore. Yesterday I was so happy to finally feel so strongly what I wanted, where I wanted to go with my life, everything was clear, and today it's like watching a recording, seeing pictures, of an adventure you had yesterday, you remember, but the rush is gone.

I think maybe I'm out of touch with reality, I'm now becoming insulated in my life, and I can't see or feel what's happening outside of my daily routine. It's something that plagues all Americans I think. Well, at least most Americans. The country is so big, it takes so long to travel outside of your state and even longer to travel outside of your accent, and it's even more difficult to travel outside of your culture. It makes you think that "THE World" is "YOUR World." I wonder if this is the reason the rest of the world thinks Americans are self-centered and dumb; judging from what I've met of Americans in Europe, I can't say the world is wrong in what they think, but I think there's a reason for Americans being the way they are.

Anyway, I see all that is around me in my day, and I remember traveling to so many other countries and hearing their languages and seeing the different ways of life, but now it's like it's not real, like all of it is just a movie I watched or a fairy-tale I read. That is what Europe is for me, it's a fairy-tale I've read about all of my life. I study History, I know the stories of many things that happened, and for me my fairy-tale is real. I can go there, I have been to the place where the 7 nation army defeated Napoleon, I have been to where the Vikings lived and have seen their descendants, I have crossed the strait where Europe turns into Asia... all of it is real, and there is a magical feeling being in these places you have only read about.

Right now I can only see the life around me, I feel only the life around me; I have to remind myself that the magical fairy-tale places I've been are real, that the wonderful people I met are real, and that I can be there and be real too, I won't disappear into dust when I get there. I have lived there before, and I became used to the daily magic, but now at home I know that the magic is missing. I must get back to it, whatever it takes, to where I feel most alive. I think that is part of the certainty I had yesterday. =) Now just to do it....

Realization

I realized today that I've been approaching life the wrong way; I've been trying to recreate the past. Not the past in general, but the bits and pieces of the past I love, the parts I'm forever attached to, the great things in life that I believe are worth of existence. This is a mistake, the past is past, gone, vorbei. Those past moments will never exist again because the situation that created them, every little thing that happened to make that instant, that measure of time, take place is also gone. You cannot recreate a perfect moment, all you can do is enjoy it, remember it, and look forward to the next. How ridiculous is it to go around trying to recreate these things; like trying to finish a dream on your own, doesn't it aquire a plastic "fake" feeling living in a false world, recreating the past of yesterday, yesteryear, once upon a time? Trying to go back to the way things were before... it never works, and it would quickly become boring even if it did work. A plastic existence, the record player stuck in loop.

It works this way with friends too; close friends, good friends, friends you may have lost for whatever reasons. Forget trying to recreate. Remember the past, remember your experiences, your choices, they are what make you who you are, but do not be bound by them. Don't allow them to define you, to make you static and predictable. I knew this rule before, but i had forgotten it and broken it.

Today I realized I have to forget people; I have to forget the way they constaintly influenced my life in the moment. It's not really forgetting them, it's letting go; it's realizing you don't need to mourn their loss, you don't need to recreate the situation of the past to get them back, you work instead toward tomorrow and tomorrow's possibilities. Perhaps in the future you can rejoin with a person, a friend, whomever, but don't rejoin and expect things to be as they were... that time is over. Rejoin and look to where you can go together.