Where the future and the present meet

I have spent my life preparing. I was always told, and so I always believed, that I had potential. Potential to do things wonderful and worthwhile. Now, I'm at a crossroads. I have dreams and hopes and plans, but nothing is certain. I did not grow up with desire in my heart for a job or place in life. I have never wanted to be a fireman, or an astronaut, or any of the other myriad things other boys wished to be. My destination was not a profession; above all else I yearned to be a particular type of man. That is the goal for which I prepared. I have ever wanted to be a good man, just and strong when needed, but kind and happy. Life is not worth living if it cannot be enjoyed, softened with a laugh and brightened by happiness. But life has teeth as well, and some obstacles must be met with all the strength in ones bones, all the cords of muscle that can be raised, with the mental wherewithal to stand tall and resolute through discomfort and pain. These are the things I most desired, these are the things I have tried to train myself to be. I have no idea how close or far I am from succeeding. I have no great battle, I have never been tested, most of my life has come easily and without conflict, and I hate to start conflict, because my memory is long and I hold grudges. I have no problem finishing conflict, however. In fact, I like it. I like to surprise people, I like to win, I like to have my point proven and stand gloriously justified. But these are vain exultation's, and that I enjoy them so much frightens me. The man I wish to be should have a nobler spirit. A quiet voice with the strength of iron, a laugh that causes others to join in, an apt mind that seeks out the things others miss. Most of all I wish to have a family. That is my aspiration. Not a certain job, or amount of money, but family. A life-mate to share my joys with and to help carry my sorrows, children to delight in (for children see the world more clearly, adults muddy the waters of life with expectations, and clever men lay traps for others) and to teach my secrets to (those things worth knowing).

But, right now, I am in transition from a boy to a man. I have my degree, only the 3rd child to earn a degree of 8 children. I must start living. I wish I were a white knight in shining armor, out to conquer some part of the world and sweep a deserving lady off her feet, and so start my fairytale. These are boyish dreams, and I have read too many stories. Even at University, History always seemed to me to separate to the words, "his story."

And so here I am, lying awake at night with my hopes and dreams and plans tumbling in my head, my life aspirations guiding me into who I wished to be, instead of what I wished to be. I feel time ticking away, and I feel I must soon start one foot in front of another to begin my real journey through life. Schooling is over, it is time I learned to live.