I've not written here for a while. In truth, I haven't known what to say. The blog turned into my personal rant page, which may be ok, but I don't like it. My mind has phases where it is full of thoughts that cascade and tumble over one another, and I need to just keep my mouth shut for a while until I can think the things through.
I had a great many things pile on me at once. Not all of them sudden stressors like work or schooling, but emotionally just as severe... in actuallity, much more severe. I needed time to sort them, instead of reacting on my blog like a pendulum swinging from anger to dispare and back.
I will say this of all the things draining me, I had two rejections from friends that cut deeply. I prefer quality over quantity of friends, and to have two of my small group at once hit me emotionally was very difficult to deal with. Like you've finally reached a level of trust, and as soon as you're relieved and it's safe to show your deepest, inside secrets you've been hiding from the world, the friend(s) suddenly reacts as if you've shown them a disgusting offensive impurity lodged deep within your soul, which of course is a confirmation of your terrible fears.
This isn't what really happened, what happened were normal situations I was too sensitive toward for myraid reasons; however, telling yourself the logic of a sitution does very, very little to assuage the emotional impact you feel. At these moments everything you think you know is wrong, and the world comes tumbling down around your ears.
In the end, life moves on, and you rebuild the fantasy around you that is your life perceptions, and your skin settles about you more comfortably.
My greatest question recently is "Why am I like this?" And the answer I've come up with is this: that more than anything else in life I wish to be happy and accepted. By accepted I mean close familial/friendship ties. I want a close trusting family, like I felt I had as a small child. And suddenly this sounds like psychological gibberish one regurgitates on the couch for Freud.... I'm fearful of being completely confident in myself because anyone who is self-confident believes in themselves more than they believe in others, and this makes them dismissive of others thoughts and feelings when they shouldn't be. I'm terribly afraid I'll become one dimensional/arrogant/an asshole if I start walking about with full self-confidence. There must be a trick to avoid these pitfalls I think, but to continue on as I am makes me both appear to be and actually be, weak, indecisive, and a drain on others I call friends. This I do not wish, it's better to be an asshole than a leach. So, that's where I am.
