Smells like failure

I had the displeasure of going over my unofficial transcript today. I'm applying to substitute teach at my old high school... I never dreamed there would be so much paperwork and approval required. My transcript is not impressive. I have only a 2.76 GPA. If you look at my history courses, I have a 3.30. But overall... not so good. I wonder if I can even get into graduate school now? Why is my GPA in such a state? Easy. I get A's in classes I find interesting. Physics, World Masterpieces, Writing Poetry for Publication, etc., and the classes I find ridiculous and useless... I'm terrible at forcing myself to do things I hate, unless it's part of my job, or my responsibility. So, African American Women, Gender, and Girlhood... yeah, I got an F in that. History of Philosphy - A, Macro Economics - F, and so on. My transcripts looks basically each semester like, A, A, A, F for my 4 classes per semester.

Actually, I told myself I wasn't going to turn this blog into any more of a diary. Suffice to say, today I felt like a failure. Today was a day everything I've not accomplished stared at me in the face. I started worrying that I will never find a job I like, that I will not get back to Europe, that my life is stuck in a rut that I created. But, just as I was feeling sad, and low, and sorry for myself, I got angry. I don't like being judged, and I'm sick to death of having to do things to get other people to like me. I feel that's what a job interview is... trying to get people to like you. Fuck that. "Fake" is a terrible color to wear; I refuse to wear it anymore. Me. That's what people have to deal with, it's what I have to deal with. I don't like their rules. I don't fit their mold. I don't have a 3.0 GPA, I don't have a 4 year degree in 4 years... I've taken another route, and I have other skills and life experiences. I am not my transcript... and the sooner I learn to remember that, the better off I, and my life, will be.

So, I've had it. I'm not playing by their rules; this life is mine, and I'm going to have to live it myself....