Smells like failure

I had the displeasure of going over my unofficial transcript today. I'm applying to substitute teach at my old high school... I never dreamed there would be so much paperwork and approval required. My transcript is not impressive. I have only a 2.76 GPA. If you look at my history courses, I have a 3.30. But overall... not so good. I wonder if I can even get into graduate school now? Why is my GPA in such a state? Easy. I get A's in classes I find interesting. Physics, World Masterpieces, Writing Poetry for Publication, etc., and the classes I find ridiculous and useless... I'm terrible at forcing myself to do things I hate, unless it's part of my job, or my responsibility. So, African American Women, Gender, and Girlhood... yeah, I got an F in that. History of Philosphy - A, Macro Economics - F, and so on. My transcripts looks basically each semester like, A, A, A, F for my 4 classes per semester.

Actually, I told myself I wasn't going to turn this blog into any more of a diary. Suffice to say, today I felt like a failure. Today was a day everything I've not accomplished stared at me in the face. I started worrying that I will never find a job I like, that I will not get back to Europe, that my life is stuck in a rut that I created. But, just as I was feeling sad, and low, and sorry for myself, I got angry. I don't like being judged, and I'm sick to death of having to do things to get other people to like me. I feel that's what a job interview is... trying to get people to like you. Fuck that. "Fake" is a terrible color to wear; I refuse to wear it anymore. Me. That's what people have to deal with, it's what I have to deal with. I don't like their rules. I don't fit their mold. I don't have a 3.0 GPA, I don't have a 4 year degree in 4 years... I've taken another route, and I have other skills and life experiences. I am not my transcript... and the sooner I learn to remember that, the better off I, and my life, will be.

So, I've had it. I'm not playing by their rules; this life is mine, and I'm going to have to live it myself....

Up Late... Again

I can't sleep. It's a combination of pulled muscles in my neck cramping, the pounding headache from the muscles cramping, and stress about the next step in my life (which may be why my neck has cramped; muscle tension. Also, two whiplash injuries to my neck have not helped).

I understand finally what my friends were talking about when they were trying to decide what to do after their bachelors degree, when trying to decide on a masters. It's funny, from the outside looking in, the questions seem so innocuous. I watched them make their decisions, and the answers seemed obvious. The person would make the right decision, and go on with their lives.

One chose nanotechnology (I think) in Chemistry, another chose to further her studies in Geography, and the decisions fell into place. Now though, when it is time for me to make my decision... I'm lost.

The obvious advice is, do what you're good at. For me... that's not so easy. I'm good at learning; it doesn't matter so much what I'm learning. So, am I good at everything? Anything to be learned in a book? Yes. Am I good at life? Eh, I kinda suck at life. Or, maybe where I'm living, the location is sucking the life out of me? I don't remember sucking at life in Germany. It was exciting; I felt like the captain of my own life-ship, at the helm on the currents of time. Now? I'm definitely caught in an eddy. Actually, Leeton, Missouri, is pretty much a black hole. You can run away, but it will suck you back. Time seems to slow here as well. I hate it... well, that part of it.

Once again, it's night. As I've said before, at night, the rules change. Nighttime is when fears sprout eyes; they grow teeth. You can't see them, but you know they are there, gnashing patiently in the darkness. At these times, I look at myself, I look at who I want to be-- I compare the two. It's good to have goals, but I'm afraid all I see are goals unachieved and causes left along the roadway.

Almost everyone in my life here tells me to stay here, to prepare for the recession, to get a job with my older brother and work my way to vice-president in his company. They've been telling me these things for quite some time. "Why finish getting your degree? You won't make any more money here. Might as well start working now." I didn't listen to them, I thought it was foolish to not have a degree. Like a trap. A degree was my ladder out of "the simple life." I knew they were wrong, and I went ahead, working manual labor in the sun during the day and studying for classes at night. Finally, I have my degree. Now... it seems I should get my masters. I've come too far, the simple life will never been satisfying for me now... you can't un-miss icecream once you've had it. And there is nothing wrong with the simple life... it is just not for me. I belong somewhere else. I don't know why I have such a hard time making up my mind and telling others they are wrong about what is best for my life. When it comes to something academic, I can easily tell people I think they are wrong. But when it comes to people, dealing with emotions... I guess I still want to be liked and want to get along with people more than I want to be right... even about my own life. Thankfully, the few people in my life who really know me, people whose opinions I really trust, tell me absolutely I should follow these flights of fancy and leave the Midwest. I blame the touch of Asberger's Syndrome for my weakness. Well, I would blame it, but I think that's a cop out. Adversity should be overcome, not used as an excuse. Then again, that's a philosophy so much more easily quoted than followed. This is life; it should be lived.

The Great Unknown

I was going to write here... but I realized everything I have to say I have already said. It occurs to me that I'm facing the same situation, the same problems, that I was facing a week ago.... so until something changes... I should really refrain from complaining about it further.

Then again, my mind is often full of thoughts... but I think not rambling would be a good change. Suffice to say, I don't know what tomorrow will bring; I only see a huge wash before me, like being on the vast ocean on a drifting boat. What will come? I don't know; but the question fish are swimming beneath me still.

1 Corinthians 13:11

I normally don't pay much attention to bible verses, but this one has been stuck in my head for some days.


"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child. Now that I become a man, I must give up childish ways."

Perhaps this best sums up where I am at in my life. I always swore I would keep some part of myself childish, I thought it was a better way to live; it seemed to be the way my father lived. So perhaps I should keep some childish ways after all... but it certainly seems I should diminish that number greatly, if not altogether.

Hmm, I'd ask for opinions... but I don't know that anyone actually reads this, or cares enough to respond. Well, what the hell? One mustn't have a response to ask a question. What do you think?

Clean my Wounds -- http://pl.st/s/407990289

I am tired, and I am angry; not in the physical sense. There are things I want in life, I've said this before, and likely again, because I'm little better than a broken record player, especially when I don't listen to the things I keep saying to myself over and over again.

I've also said before that I finally know who I am... this is true, but who I am does not fit with my surroundings. This is the area in which I grew up, these are the people around me who have known me for a long while, and while they are dear to me, they know too much of who I was to understand who I am now. This isn't a cry or declaim about how I'm misunderstood as a person, this is a statement that I am growing older, that priorities and decision making and goals are different. I am out of tune with the small town life in the middle of the Midwest. It is an ill-fit, that is all. Like clothes that have grown too tight.

There are things I expected, I've waited patiently for them, I've done the sensible thing, the right thing, more often than I care to count. I have rarely followed my passions, because I was raised that you must think before you act, and that when you want something really badly, you tend to ignore the things you don't want to hear/see, and barge ahead down toward the bad decision. This is true, and I have avoided many pitfalls which my contemporaries have not. But this cautiousness has backfired. I have developed a tendency to be apathetic, and I'm so bad at chasing my interests, I've developed such a sense of panic and guilt about chasing interests to the detriment of level-headed decision-making, and therefore chasing something into folly, that when I do chase something, I only half commit. Half commitment is a piss poor way to go through life, especially if this is the only life we have. I'm sick of it. I have prepared for a "good life." I have studied for it, I have tried to do the right things, make the right decisions, be responsible... and I have forgotten to live my life. Why the hell should I be waiting to live my life? It has cost me years, and I console myself with the fact that my family is long-lived... but that's no guarantee. I am missing something here, life. Something you can't get more of for the asking, something you can't simply hit the reset button for and try again. How much longer before I become something between a has-been or a never-was?

I am sick of it. I found the things I wanted, they were difficult to achieve, and I refused to chomp at the bit, because I have learned that fighting the current leaves you weak and defeated... unless you are a strong swimmer. I've never even attempted to be a strong swimmer... I simply thought I'd use the currents to flow more easily down the river of life... but the currents take you where they want to go, not where you want to go. Right now? This is an eddy: this place, this time, this life.

I thought if I were patient and paid attention, the answers to life's big problems would present themselves. They have not. It's like waiting for a message from God... my divination is pretty shit. People look for messages all the time, they wait for signs, messages from God, omens, karma... and when nothing happens, they look for anything they can find, and make it fit... even if the people are careful to not always make it seem like they are getting their way. It's a gigantic game of self-deception, and I did it for a long time, though I never fully committed to any of the signs I thought I might have seen. (And maybe I'm wrong, and the universe really does align for some people, people more dedicated than I am, or less frustrated) I will not be doing it any longer. Actually, I have not done it for some time, but I have not rejected it outright until now.

I hear the phrase often, "If it is meant to happen, it will happen." And while that thought may be consoling, believing there is some order and place for everyone in the Universe, I don't believe it. Things happen if you want them to happen, you affect changes, you make ripples, and if you're lucky the pond you're swimming in lets the ripples bounce back to you to carry you forward. And sometimes it's a fluke, and things just work out easily.

As of now, I'm a ball of anger and disappointment. I did my part, I saved up my life so I could invest it in something worthy... and I've reached the investment point, the investment deadline, and I see nothing to invest in. Anything worthy of investing is closed to me. It's making me look at life in general, to really examine my own life, and I find it wanting.

A friend recently asked me, "What do you want in life?" And another, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" For the longest time I didn't know what I wanted to be, but I thought I knew who I wanted to be... or at least what type of person I wanted to be. But, as it turns out, I'm not really the person I wanted to be. I am turning into a person I did not want to be. I am becoming more dismissive of other people, of their logic and ideas, of their ideas of what life should be. And maybe that's what growing up is about, becoming a fully functioning adult. And then you become the old, closed-minded fool you always hated, who wonders why the hell the younger people don't understand the way things are. Maybe that's the vicious cycle, that you eventually grow into the monster you hated. I can think of some other dynamics, but my bitterness has fastened on this one for the time being.

What do I want from life? Who do I want to be? What is my dream job? I want to be family man, I want to be brilliant and know a lot about everything, I want to figure things out faster and better than other people and have a reputation for making good decisions, but I want that ability earned through my dedication to learning, to paying attention, to examining myself to avoid pitfalls of pride and bigotry. I want to be an old man who lived a full life, who is wise and kind, who did well and created a happy family. I want big family reunions, I want to look over at an old, wrinkly, and dear woman and be able to say, "We did well. This was a life well lived. I'm proud." I've tried to be this person, and if my investment returns me nothing... I can't even finish the thought. That's what I want from life, that's who I want to be. My dream job? I want to be a father/husband who operates an Inn, they kind where my kids run around and cause mischief I must fix, but need to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at the same time. And I want to blacksmith on the side. That is my dream job. Now, how do I apply for it?