Today

Today was a good day. It started off bad, I was trying to study for a test this morning... an important test... but all the little things kept getting in my way. Little things that don't take much time, but suddenly with all of the little problems, I lost 40 minutes which I was planning on using to study. And those 40 minutes would have really helped. After I bombed my first test, which means I think I got about a D grade on it, I had to go and take a second test. The second test is the test I decided not to study for at all, because I don't actually need the class, and I needed the time last night to study for my first test today... the one I failed. The second test? I aced it. I may have missed 2 questions out of 50. But, I decided it's not the end of the world, there are still a lot of points to earn in the class, and I'm sure I can pass the rest of the class. So, that was the bad start to my day. After that, I took the rest of the day off, and I went home and read a book. =)

Ach, übrigens! I finally got everything (mostly everything, but not really important) settled with the Registrar. If you don't know what that is, good for you. They are the office that keeps track of everything that a student has done academically; they are the ones that take the last look at what you've done and finally decide if you actually finally get the diploma you've been working for. I expected problems, but the problems I got were much more numerous than I expected. Anyway, the important thing is, I will finally graduate in May. I will receive a Bachelor of the Arts in History with duel Minors in German and Creative Writing. Now for the defensive part of my blog... it's taken me 9 years to earn a 4 year degree. I have reasons and excuses... but I don't know if they really alleviate me of my guilt. Surely, I think, I could have buckled down, and worked harder, and accomplished a degree earlier. And, this must be true, but had I done that, I'm sure I would have graduated with a degree in something I really didn't care for, hated my job, and not learned the things I wanted to learn, both about the world and about life in general.

So, here is my defense of why it took a near genius (I seriously scored 4 points from genius on my official IQ test [don't worry, it doesn't mean I think I'm smarter than you, it means I'm more of a geek or nerd than you are]) 9 years for a 4 year degree. I started out studying Mechanical Engineering at a very large and prestigious school. University of Missouri, Columbia. It's well known for it's engineering program. I moved from a town of 600 people, (graduated top of my class as valedictorian... of a class of 17) where I knew more than half the students in the school (basically from 4th grade through 12th grade) to a town of 90,000 people. I hated it. I did ok my first semester, but failed Calculus. (my high school didn't even teach math close to calculus, I only got into the class because I took a math placement test and did well) It was too much for me, I failed. By the second semester I hated it so much that I was driving 1 1/2 hours back to my dad's house every weekend. I stopped going to classes. By February, about a month after the second semester started, I dropped out of school. I moved to Houston, Texas with a friend, and tried to find a job there. I didn't, which is why I moved back to Warrensburg, near my home town, and started college there in August of 2002. I changed my major to Computer Information Systems. So, a year after I started college in Columbia, I had only 3 classes completed (I failed the 4th class, Calculus) toward a degree. By the end of the first year, most students at MU (Columbia) had 10 classes completed. I studied quite a bit my next two semesters, but decided I really liked playing on computers and installing programs more than I liked writing in code to actually create programs. I started going to classes less, and I stopped going to some altogether. A professor in my composition class told me my essays were more like stories than essays, and he took me down and insisted that I take Creative Writing courses, and even introduced me to the head of that department. Russel Greinke, I am forever in your debt. Look at that, I'm rambling again. After a few semesters, 3 I think, I dropped out of class again. I just stopped going. I worked for a semester, and I nearly didn't go back to college, but I realized that the job I had would be a terrible one to have the rest of my life. I didn't like the college system, I didn't like the pretentiousness of the college system, or the fact that I had to learn from professors I didn't respect. I decided that maybe it was just the subjects I was in, and the types of professors that taught the subjects, which I had a problem with. So I started again, but only part time. Normally, people take between 4 and 6 classes per semester. I was working and paying my own way through college (it's not free like in Europe, and my family was/is too poor to give me ANY money for school or living expenses), so I was taking only 2 or 3 classes a semester (after a year, I could have had 12 classes, I had about 4 or 5). At that pace, it takes a long time to complete classes. During this time, I was taking 1 or 2 writing classes, because they interested me. I changed my major again, this time to Undecided. Mechanical Engineering to Computer Information Systems, to Undecided. I was on the fast track to nowhere. Working for Richter Excavating, my brother and a good friend of his actually had nearly convinced me to stop University studies completely, and just work my way up in the company. I decided I'd had too much time invested though, so I said I needed to finish up my college. I was taking only classes I enjoyed, which were Writing classes, History, and German. The German program was dying at my college, so I actually had to wait a full year between classes. I had about 3 semesters of German and my German teacher said I had a talent for German, and kept insisting that I study in Germany. I kept telling her no, it was impossible with my lack of money and my lack of time... I had to work. But finally, I said yes, I decided I wanted to go, and I did what I had to do to get there. I don't know why she insisted, maybe she knew I was being wasted working at the job I was at. But I went, and it was the best decision of my life, even though it delayed my graduation a year. Before they would let me go to Germany though, to Bremen, I had to pick a Major, since I was still Undecided. I talked to an Academic Advisor and asked her what the quickest Major for me would be. She said, with the classes you've taken just from being interested, I can get you a Major in English in 1 1/2 years, or History in 1 year. So, History it was. Now, I've had to wait nearly 2 years to get the credits from Bremen, but that's another matter. If they had come immediately, I would have graduated in December of 2009 like I planned. However, they didn't come, and I got tired of waiting, so I started taking all the courses I needed to graduate even without the classes from Bremen. They finally came about 2 weeks ago, which means I wasted about a year and a half of my life, but it's okay, I learned everything about myself, and some other subjects, that I finally wanted and/or needed to know. I'm now ready for my next step in life... something that has taken a long time. Am I a failure, perhaps. It's taken me 9 years to earn a 4 year degree, but I really wouldn't trade it. I've learned to my satisfaction what I wanted to know, what I needed to know, and I'm confident about my life for the first time since I was 5 or so.

Ok, not where I expected this blog to go, but what the hell, I finally set it in writing, my secret shame. And, likely, no one cares. But I tend to be prideful, if quiet... I care, and I want my excuses to make everything ok, or at least to feel that the final achievement makes all the side-tracking ok.

So, back to where I began my ramble? Today was a good day. After taking the day off, I checked out a book that a good friend recommended for me. I trust her judgement in the arts. It was a good book. Not great, I doubt I'll read it again, but it was worth the day. I can't actually remember the last time I read a book for my own enjoyment; over 2 years ago at least. Luckily, after my semester of reading about 800 - 1000 pages a week for my classes, I read very quickly now... at least in English. So the 221 page book took me about 5 hours. Not bad, I think. It was worth the day. :) It's funny, yesterday I wanted to sleep and dream in color... but reading is really a lot like dreaming. I love it, and I had forgotten how much I loved it. It was refreshing, and after living someone else's life for a while, I was ready to return to my own. If you're reading this, thanks for recommending I read the book. =) It was the perfect book at the perfect time, and not a book I would have ever found on my own.

And with that... I'm going to end my day. Good night, kolorowych snow/renkli rüyalar, and goodbye. :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish simply to fall asleep and dream in wonderful color and never wake again.

What to write? I don't know...

This is one of the days when the title for my blog most aptly fits. It's been a little while, and almost every day I feel like I should write here; but, again, by the time I have a computer and enough time to write... you guessed it... I have forgotten most everything I wanted to write. Additionally, I always debate with myself over what level of English I should write. Should I write complex sentences with irregular words for my own ego? Or should I write everything in layman's terms so that all may understand? And sometimes I'm tempted to write in Denglisch.

Actually, I'll go ahead and mention what is most weighing on my mind at the moment. I'm putting off getting caught up with homework. The beginning of my semester was crazy, I signed up for classes late, and nearly didn't get the money I needed to attend classes. (ironically, now that my classes from Bremen have fully transferred in and I get credit, I don't even need any classes) But I'll continue with my current situation... I started classes late, and with little money, so I ordered the books I needed for classes online in order to save money. However, with shipping and such, and joining everything almost a week late, that put me 2 weeks behind the class, as far as reading everything I'm supposed to read. In one of my classes, I'm even further behind because one of the companies I ordered books from couldn't actually find the book I paid for... so I just got it last week... about 6 weeks behind the class schedule. Point being, today I have accomplished nothing. I've had the entire day free, and the house to myself, but only played a new video game. (In recent years I've played very few, but in the last few months I've suddenly had the urge to play a lot. I don't understand how I could go from not wanting to play video games for years, to suddenly preferring to play games instead of doing anything else.) In any case, today I have consistently put off doing homework, and it's giving me an antsy feeling, a certain dread that constantly creeps up on me and weighs my shoulders down with guilt and responsibility. I have had a horrible headache for most of today, so I have been less than eager to start reading all the philosophy pages on which I need to catch up.

So, here I am, online with everything and nothing to say, a headache that's most gone away, and a sense of guilt about not doing the things I told myself I would already have accomplished. I think if I just told myself I was going to get nothing accomplished today I would be better off. Instead, I kept telling myself that I would do it later, later, later today. That's not going to happen, or at least, it hasn't yet happened. I think that's the biggest weight, the watching of the minutes' and seconds' hand tick-tock and chop my day away. So, I'll decide now that no studying is going to be accomplished tonight and I'll relax and enjoy my evening without guilt. Tomorrow can be used for schoolwork and studying (all for classes I no longer need).

Hmmm, sometime soon I'll write about the new developments with my graduation... well, prospective graduation. Bis bald....

So many thoughts, so little time

My life is one of extremes. In my line of work, seasonal manual labor, we have a saying: Everything is feast or famine. I bounce between having absolutely nothing to do for days, or even weeks, and being so completely busy that I can't even finish my studies. This last week we had the "Storm of the Century," also called, "Snowmageddon" or "Snowpacalypse." What that means for me, being on the snow crew, is I had no work for several weeks, and I wondered how I was going to pay my bills, and suddenly when the snow came I was working 16 to 20 hours a day. Last week I had to stay at my sister's house so I could go to work. (she lives in Warrensburg, where my work is, I live 30 mins south on bad roads my car can't drive when we have much snow) I didn't get to sleep in my own bed for 6 days, read my own books, or anything else of my own. During that week, I also had school, which I skipped to work... which is now a major problem, because I've been working so much that I haven't read or studied everything I need to. I'm behind... again... something I absolutely hate! I just can't seem to win, I either have nothing to do at all, and I spend my time alone, studying, but also trying to fill the hours with anything worthwhile... which usually consists of trying to chat with my friends from overseas, or I have so much to do that I have no time. When I have no time, something has to give way to something else... and usually that something is sleep. When I'm so busy I get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep per day. If I get of work early, like 12 hours of work a day, then I have to use my extra time to study... if I'm not falling asleep. I'm not afraid of hard work, but there are things I just can't do. I can't work so hard and actually learn anything for school. Tonight, I'm too tired to read the philosophy passages I'm supposed to. Instead, I studied for my Imperial Spain geography test... and I'm not even sure I'll pass the test... but I'm too tired to study anymore or learn anything more.

I guess I'm really just frustrated that my life is so unbalanced and unpredictable. I have responsibilities to work, but also to my professors and myself at school. There's only so much of me to go around, I can't really be divided any more.

There are so many things I want to write about, like my favorite songs and how it was bogus of me to list so many. 1 or 2 are the only songs that should count as favorite. I also want to write about grey worlds and fairytales, how the objective world exists without us humans, and how the fairytales we create and the colors we paint on everything through our perspectives are the only real joys in life. And there are many other things besides these... but I haven't the time... so they must wait, and I only hope I don't forget.

Bis dann, Tschüß