Up Late... Again

I can't sleep. It's a combination of pulled muscles in my neck cramping, the pounding headache from the muscles cramping, and stress about the next step in my life (which may be why my neck has cramped; muscle tension. Also, two whiplash injuries to my neck have not helped).

I understand finally what my friends were talking about when they were trying to decide what to do after their bachelors degree, when trying to decide on a masters. It's funny, from the outside looking in, the questions seem so innocuous. I watched them make their decisions, and the answers seemed obvious. The person would make the right decision, and go on with their lives.

One chose nanotechnology (I think) in Chemistry, another chose to further her studies in Geography, and the decisions fell into place. Now though, when it is time for me to make my decision... I'm lost.

The obvious advice is, do what you're good at. For me... that's not so easy. I'm good at learning; it doesn't matter so much what I'm learning. So, am I good at everything? Anything to be learned in a book? Yes. Am I good at life? Eh, I kinda suck at life. Or, maybe where I'm living, the location is sucking the life out of me? I don't remember sucking at life in Germany. It was exciting; I felt like the captain of my own life-ship, at the helm on the currents of time. Now? I'm definitely caught in an eddy. Actually, Leeton, Missouri, is pretty much a black hole. You can run away, but it will suck you back. Time seems to slow here as well. I hate it... well, that part of it.

Once again, it's night. As I've said before, at night, the rules change. Nighttime is when fears sprout eyes; they grow teeth. You can't see them, but you know they are there, gnashing patiently in the darkness. At these times, I look at myself, I look at who I want to be-- I compare the two. It's good to have goals, but I'm afraid all I see are goals unachieved and causes left along the roadway.

Almost everyone in my life here tells me to stay here, to prepare for the recession, to get a job with my older brother and work my way to vice-president in his company. They've been telling me these things for quite some time. "Why finish getting your degree? You won't make any more money here. Might as well start working now." I didn't listen to them, I thought it was foolish to not have a degree. Like a trap. A degree was my ladder out of "the simple life." I knew they were wrong, and I went ahead, working manual labor in the sun during the day and studying for classes at night. Finally, I have my degree. Now... it seems I should get my masters. I've come too far, the simple life will never been satisfying for me now... you can't un-miss icecream once you've had it. And there is nothing wrong with the simple life... it is just not for me. I belong somewhere else. I don't know why I have such a hard time making up my mind and telling others they are wrong about what is best for my life. When it comes to something academic, I can easily tell people I think they are wrong. But when it comes to people, dealing with emotions... I guess I still want to be liked and want to get along with people more than I want to be right... even about my own life. Thankfully, the few people in my life who really know me, people whose opinions I really trust, tell me absolutely I should follow these flights of fancy and leave the Midwest. I blame the touch of Asberger's Syndrome for my weakness. Well, I would blame it, but I think that's a cop out. Adversity should be overcome, not used as an excuse. Then again, that's a philosophy so much more easily quoted than followed. This is life; it should be lived.