I've so many thoughts in my head right now, so many things I thought I should say, or at least organize here in writing, that I don't know where to start. Actually, I've decided whenever I have too much to say, it's better to just not say much at all.
Well, I'm here anyway, I should say something. I'm watching Alice in Wonderland again, the 2010 version by Tim Burton. I love most of his movies, and Alice most of all. I love his movies for the same reason I love Guillermo del Toro's movies. They are fantastical, and dark; abstract as well. It makes sense, abstract and dark are two of the words I hear most in reference to my writings, so it stands to reason that I would like those things about others'... art, I guess is the right description. Creations is perhaps better. Anyway, I love their films, they are the perfect mix of reality and fantasy. They're dark, and vicious, but still have a silly, lightheartedness I believe essential to living in an indifferent universe. (I'm a fan of the Clockwork Universe) The faun in El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) is amazing. At once both darkly menacing and trustworthy, or at least, there's something about him that makes one dare to trust him. It's a fine line to tread, but I love that aspect. I think there's a whole world through that perspective that remains untapped by the vast majority of people. And, just for good measure, I must say I love the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland. Especially the song as Alice is chasing the Rabbit in the Waistcoat (McTwisp), and the first song as the credits begin to role. They are both varying degrees of intense, almost shrill and disturbing, yet somehow beautiful and comforting; powerful.
http://fizy.com/#s/1dh5n3 (hey, it's stuck in my head, and I like it. Deal with it) (Many thanks to my Turkish friend in Norway for giving me the idea to steal this website for my blog)
Anything that can make someone feel powerful like that... it's amazing. I keep a drawer of oddities, things I've picked up in various places, all of which have commonalities; they tickle my imagination, make me reminisce, and make me feel like the person I am is powerful and in control. (My father started this habit of mine, he had a drawer of odds and ends, and about once a year as I was a child, when the fancy hit me, I would open the drawer and go through it, asking what everything was and learning the stories behind each item. I wasn't the only one, all of dad's children and grandchildren did it... I may have done it with the most frequency though. Thanks dad.;)
I said before I marathoned Alice in Wonderland. I find Alice's rant in the middle of the film inspiring. "I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream!" "That is not foretold. If you diverge from the path..." "I make the path!" (paraphrased) I think that's very much part of the question of life. I ranted and complained days ago about all the decisions, everything piling its weight on top of me, but I should have remembered this quote. I forgot, I reverted back to my old belief that there was a plan for me, some kind of destiny (I should note here that I think of destiny as water flowing downhill, it's destiny that it will reach the bottom eventually), and if I waited patiently and obeyed the rules of conduct, all would be revealed to me; the path lain out before me. I have never seen a clear path in my life, and the happiest time of my life was the when I believed I made my own path, that even if I did have a destiny, it would be somehow fulfilled by my traveling down my own path. My decisions are the right ones not because I know the right answers all the time, but because I'm making the decisions for myself, not letting another live my life through their decisions for me. I've given this advice to others, and meant it with all my heart, but somehow forgot what it meant for my own life. And this all sounds like fine and fanciful talk, but it means something quite different when not on the page, when it's picked up and carried throughout the day, when it's actually believed. Part of this is not worrying about mistakes... mistakes are simply the things we learn that we were unable to learn another way. What might have been is not nearly so important as what is, although what might be is at least equally important as what is.
"You're not the same as you were before. You were much more... muchier. You've lost your muchness. Something's missing... in there."
Anyone who reads this, remember your muchness. (Yes, it's sappy and silly, but what's the harm, really?) It is your life, viva la vida.
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