Explanation

I feel compelled to provide an explanation for my more recent ramblings, more numerous than usual. I guess the explanation is more for myself, to see if I can convince myself of the whys of what was written.





I think the first place to begin is pressure; the pressure that only time can provide, the weight of hours, the ticking torment only a timepiece can ensure. Deadlines are approaching; I have to decide what to do with my life. Do I continue studying? Do the credits from Bremen really count toward my graduation here? If so, then I am finished with my Bachelor Degree at long last, 8 years and 4 majors after having started. If not, then I must quickly enroll in the few classes I still need to graduate. And when I do graduate, be it this semester or later, I must decide if I should go to Graduate School as well. Or do I finally finish with school, something I've long for since I was around 10 years old, and join the working world? If so, where should I work? Who will hire me as anything other than a teacher with my degree in History, and minors in Creative Writing and German? I refuse to be a teacher, my mother and sister are teachers, I can't stand the job. Other positions with history include being a researcher, which I hate; an archivist, which is a glorified librarian, which I hate; and the list goes on. I have to convince someone that I'm worth hiring as a smart person who can be taught, rather than using my degree for a specific job. I'm a terrible lier, honest to a fault; I tell the truth even when I should lie. Selling myself is something I'm terrible at; I either sound like I have no confidence in myself at all, or I sound like a total know-it-all asshole. Just the way it is, I don't know how to change it; I've tried. (I also tend to overuse semi-colons)





I want to go back to Germany. It's no secret in this blog. It was the happiest I've been, and I love that while in Germany I became very good friends with people from all over Europe. Eastern Europe is my favorite place, the people are full of life and optimism, there's something to be accomplished. In the west of Europe, and in America, people expect too much, they never seem to be happy with what they have. I actually prefer East Germany to West Germany. Even though the countries don't exist separately anymore, there is still a significant cultural difference. Community and family are much more important in the east, I fit in well there. But, for all that I want to go back to Germany, I have a few reasons for staying; the main reason being my dad. He turns 79 in a few weeks, January 31st. Typically my family on both sides lives into their late 80s and 90s. The record on my dad's side is 108, and on mom's 103. However, dad's health is failing. It was terrible and we thought he had only a few months to live, but he's recovered now, my sister is taking care of him, and he's 100% better. I had left my plans for going to Germany when his health suddenly declined. Now that he's doing better, I still want to go to Germany. I don't want him to die while I'm away though. He's actually the only real tie I have here. Most of my good friends are married and have children, which means I see them only a few times a year, and when I do, they're always preoccupied with their spouse, or their kids. My dad and I have always been close. I know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but I'm pretty sure I was/am my dad's favorite, out of 7 children. He was/is my favorite parent, my mother and I have always been a bit strained. Anyway, I hope that my dad will live long enough for me to come back, but I have no idea when that will be. He's been the most important person in my life, and I'm torn between being here for him, and leaving to live my own life. Honestly, if I stay here, there's not much I can do other than visit and keep him company for a few hours every couple of weeks, when I have time from work. But if I go, how much will I be kicking myself for being away, especially if he does die?



All of these are the decisions weighing on me. They make me un-confident, pull the carpet from beneath my feet. I am not grounded during these times, I'm not grounded now. It's almost like a person drowning, flailing about and grasping for anything to keep them at the surface. At these times we depend on friends and family. Late at night, when I'm alone, my friends are reduced to their writings online; the rest of them sleep. Looking for inspiration, a floatation device, still; I borrow heavily from them, from the comforting past with them, from new and current writings of theirs. I borrow, and I talk a lot about what others say, because it distracts me from my situation. I talk too much, sometimes, I'm like a drunk who doesn't shut up, and who says things he's not qualified to say, and says things he might completely intend at the time, but later his better judgement comes back. That's not to say I don't believe there's at least a kernel of truth in everything I say, but further than that... it's all opinion. And it's opinion of the time, which I reserve the right to change as new things are brought to my attention. Above all... I ramble. It's my way of examining anything and everything. I put in in a sentence the way a scientist puts something on a slide to view with a microscope. After it's in sentence form I'm free to examine it, to see in detail everything about it I wish to know. Well, not everything, but many things.

Actually, during these times, I borrow heavily from whichever friend I believe can help me the most. It might be a little excessive, I may read too much into a friend, or a friend's writing, but usually after I've figured out what bit I need, or think I need, I move on to someone else. It's like finding something in the mud, I pick at it until it finally comes free and becomes clear. Then I've learned, and I move on to the next shiny thing covered in the mud of things I don't know or understand. These shiny objects may be something a friend said to me once long ago, which I feel has perspective on whatever is bothering me, or something a friend has written, or even an action a friend made. Sometimes they're not even friends, sometimes it's movies or books, or famous quotes by famous people. Once I watched Alice in Wonderland for a week straight. There was something in the movie, something about the way it was set up that I felt I needed to understand. I finally figured it out; it was Alice, it was how she went from not knowing what to do with her life, how she lived her life according to the rules everyone prescribed, and how in the end this amazing inner person shone through, how she became outwardly the amazing person she was inwardly, confident in herself and her abilities, trusting in the little snippets of truth she had had with her all along. In fact, thinking about it, I'm not so sure I shouldn't be watching it now. Perhaps this is a lesson I forgot? When I was younger I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 5 times in the theater to understand Jack Sparrow, his quiet confidence in life and how he managed to wrest control time and again from nothing, how he turned the chips around when everything was against him. Again, it's a little obsessive, I know, but it works for me. Unfortunately, when it's a person and not a movie, I tend to smother the friend or the family member with too much attention. I've driven my sister and a few of my friends nearly mad before. Oops.

Normally though, I learn what I needed to learn. And some time away, not bugging friends, usually results in no harm done.

As for this time? I'm still ungrounded, but I think I have a battle plan to get through my decisions. It's time for me to grow up, keep more of my own council, and make some things happen. I said before that I thought I'd found the secret to life; the secret was being present in your life, living it. I still believe that, but sometimes the waves around are too high to see clearly, and you can't really act so much as react to what's happening. I choose to wait for the storm to pass.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Our moods do not believe in each other." He was a smart man. If I had a past life, I hope I was him or someone like him. I wonder how much he annoyed his friends, or what kinds of friends he had. I wonder if he rode the waves of confidence and doubt the same way I do. His sayings and writing tell me that he did, and by this, I am comforted. I await the new dawn, and lay plans to conquer the world of tomorrow that will soon surround me. Wish me luck, or come join me if you wish.