Today was a good day. It wasn't a fun day, I didn't get any great news, but it was a day I accomplished something. Today was cold, and I worked outside in the cold the entire day, I didn't even get to take a break for lunch. What today did, was prove to me that I can succeed, that I can accomplish something, even if it's not glorious or wonderful. And at the end of this day, I am very tired, but quite pleased.
I'm now thinking about my last few posts here, and I think, My god, am I really so sensitive? It seems obvious that I must be, but I think I'm not so sensitive all the time. Today was a new day, and it was enough to change my outlook on life, my life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And now I wonder if I should change this into more of a journal? We found a journal from my younger brother (I'm trying to stop calling him my little brother, since he's 22, even though I'm sure he will always be my little brother somewhere in the back of my mind) a few days ago. It was from 1999, and he wrote briefly about the things that happened then. It was the year Andy (Andreas Grigat) came to stay with us from Gusow, Germany. It's hard to believe this will be the twelfth year that we will have been friends. Andy is a very wonderful and dear friend, we get each other. Usually we go around a year to a year and a half without talking to each other, but when we do talk, it's as if no time has passed. I guess that's what you get with true/close friends, it's not so important what you talk about, it's just great to talk with someone who understands you.
Hmmm, on a side note, it occurred to me that I have at least two readers, and that knowledge has somehow made me more attentive to what I write. I don't know why, there's nothing here I want to hide, but knowing someone is reading, even people whom I very much respect and am glad are reading it, it makes me more self-conscious about what I'm writing. I've been thinking about why this is so, and I believe it has something to do with not wanting to give away all of my secrets; I don't want everyone to know all of the little things that make me tick. Like I'm a watch or a clock that maybe looks complex, but actually is very simple once you understand how the little gears, my motivations, work. And now thinking about this seems ridiculous, but my timidity also has to do with something I once heard someone in a command position say. "Telling the crew all of your faults and doubts can be disastrous." "But isn't it better to be honest with the people you lead?" "It is important, yes, but how can you expect others to believe in your decisions if you don't?" However, I also don't want to be one of those people other people refer to as "A locked box." :/ Hmmm, for right now I think I should leave this question/problem alone. Maybe I should just be less sensitive? Actually too, I hate it when someone assumes they know you, and acts like they know you really well, but they don't. I hate that kind of pretension. Some part of me thinks that someone reading this blog would assume they know me, but they don't. Again, this seems ridiculous. As far as I know, only friends read this, and anyone else probably won't ever use this to overstep the bounds of friendship. So, there really isn't a problem to solve, all I have to do is trust in my friends. Heh, that was easy... and now I feel better. Thanks for being friends I trust. Therapy complete. ^^
I don't assume that I know you very well, but it's interesting to read. :U
ReplyDeleteI know that a few days ago I had something to talk to you on Skype in regards to one of your more recent entries, but you weren't online and then it slowly got blown out of my mind.
As for the honesty thing. Yes, it's good to be honest... when it's needed. Other than that, do you think about everything that someone else is? Do you really think that others think about everything that you are, even when you have expressed it as clear as possible? My... I think that's somewhat egocentric, isn't it? :) /meant in a reassuring way, no idea, though, how that came across.
Hmmm, I actually do think about everything someone else is. I think about it for every friend I have (I used to think about it for everyone I knew, but non-friends are so infrequent with their presence it's worthless to do so). I don't know if I stated before that people are puzzles to me, so I try to figure them out as best I can. For me, trying to understand them better is a way of honoring them. What I have to keep in mind is a person is a dynamic being, something I can never know completely because I think a person doesn't even know themselves completely, they are always changing. So, it's wrong to pin someone to the image you have of them in your head. I guess the best way to describe what I do is like when someone asks you to tell them about a person you know. You start describing them and their personality, you try to do them justice, paint a picture of the individual. I have a soft spot for art, I like pictures. ;)
ReplyDeleteI guess I assumed everyone else would do the same thing, although thinking about it now... yeah, probably not.