It's a strange thing, forgetting how to live. I wasn't aware I had forgotten, but I had. I knew something was different, that things were the same as before, that life felt different, but if you asked me to explain it I would have given a million reasons, and all of them would have been wrong.
Now... it's like my life is rolling again... the wheels are spinning, and not just in place like car tires making smoke. I sent off my first application for a master's degree. I hope I'm accepted. I don't even know how I'll pay for it... but it was a step forward. I quit, for all practical purposes, my job I've had for the last 6 years. I'm substitute teaching now... and I'm starting to get pretty full weeks. It makes a huge difference when you shower to begin your day instead of showering to wash the dirt off yourself at the end of the day. I like it. I think I'm standing straighter during the day. Life feels like me again... it feels like living. I'm no longer looking backward, or worrying about everything I've messed up... I'm looking forward to what the new possibilities are, and I'm not worrying about those either. I feel like I've finally shirked everyone else's expectations of me and my life. Now I get to live for me... and I'm pretty sure I know what I want, even if I don't know the specifics.
I'm happy again, in general... and expectant. I'm ready for tomorrow for the first time in a long time.
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