Preoccupation

I recently had my 29th birthday. I'm going to be 40 in 11 years... but 11 years ago, I was a senior in high school. I still feel like I just graduated high school, but I'll be "over the hill" in the same amount of time. I feel like my life is passing me by, and quickly. This feels like the transition point of my life... it also feels like my last chance to accomplish something. I'm fast becoming too old for things. There are many programs in which I have interest, for furthering education and otherwise, and I'm too old to begin them. 30 seems to be the absolute cutoff age. I keep wondering... how the hell did this happen?

And the damnedest part of it all... I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know who I want to be... as said before, I finally know myself, my limits, my desires, etc. All of this frustrates and angers me. I find I have a preoccupation with death. I don't know if this stems from my father turning 80 soon, or if it's because I'm stuck here in my life, feeling unfulfilled. It's like I'm spinning my wheels, going nowhere fast. I hate it. I keep thinking about what a useless and wasted life I've led... I feel entirely unaccomplished. I'm still a boy waiting to grow up, and I fear I'll become an old man physically before I grow up mentally.

It's enough to make me want to scream, or claw myself out of my skin. I want a do-over. It's like life is here, and I've failed at it. I've experienced some great things, but floating here, anchorless, is a failure.