I've spent a great deal of my time, my life in fact, debating if there is purpose to the universe, or not. If there is some divine plan with which I should have some accordance. I've doubted for a long time, but every so often something happens, and I start to believe again. It's as if the universe aligns and points me in the right direction. However, I'm very practical minded, and I always assume that the signs could just as easily be wishful thinking. That said, being existentialist by nature, I believe it could be true if you want it to be true. Normally though, if I look at the situation for a while, it turns out to be mist and tricks of the light. Ultimately intangible, and unsubstantial.
I experienced something, and I held out hope. I lacked reasons, either for or against, and I decided that some things are worth beleiving in. It turns out I was wrong... but rather than tear down everything that led me to the (incorrect) conclusion, I'm going to stand by my belief. I was wrong, or I didn't follow through well enough, but it was a worthy goal. I didn't really fail. But it didn't work out. I'm not going to say it wasn't meant to be, because I don't believe there is a meant to be (or, on the other hand, not meant to be). I don't look for signs anymore, I don't believe in them. We make our own lives. The universe bends to our will at the sub-atomic level, inviting us to make our choices and live our lives.
I guess, in the end... I just don't know. I feel untethered and floating... but I still believe there are things in life which are worth holding fast; worth holding tight.
What tomorrow will bring, I can't say... but I need to be ready to move forward. Right now? Right now I'm filled with frustration and anger... all of my plans; none of them matter. Everything is changed... I am changed. Tomorrow? Tomorrow hope is somewhere on the horizon, rising like the morning sun. I can't see it, and my imagination won't due it justice... but I beleive it will come. It must.
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