Rapturous?

Today is supposedly the day the Rapture was supposed to happen. Yeah, I didn't believe it either. It's also the day of my 10 year high school reunion. This I do believe in, even if I claim I can't believe it's been 10 years already.

But I'm actually less intrigued with the reunion than the Rapture. In any case, were the Rapture actually to happen today, I'm sure I would not be going. In the darkness of my heart burn a great many things for which they don't let you into heaven. I used to fret about it, now though, I just accept I won't be going. Not the least reason of which being that I don't really believe in the Rapture. But, supposing it exists... everything I know about being a good person, a person possibly worthy... I simply am not. My kindnesses hide the depths of my depravity, the ugliness of my thoughts. It's a habit, I thought if I practiced it, perhaps it would become natural; and kindness deals much better with people in general than negativity. It also makes one appear very weak. Weak, I am not. Full of indecision, perhaps, but press me in a corner and the beast before you changes. I am a base and vindictive creature for all of the lofty thoughts I may attempt. There are different levels to a person's mind, and I am not afraid to go to the lower levels. What scares me is how much I enjoy it. These types of things; the judgemental attitude, the hate I'm constantly repressing, trying to goad to go away... these are the things that would ensure I'd stay. Simple. Is there a kinder and more sophisticated, and caring, person inside me? Sure. He's been battled back since childhood though, and I no longer have a problem believing the worst in people. I maintain that I am practical, despite all of my ideals. Hmmm, I guess I'm writing this because I don't fully understand the duality of my situation. Right now the two impulses seem equally balanced, my impulse to be a person of higher thinking order, and the person that desires smashing the face of the guy wasting my time in the line in front of me.

Maybe I'm at a crossroads and trying to convince myself that I'm a good person... or maybe I'm a good person trying to convince myself I'm the poetic bad person... or maybe I'm up too late writing, and I'm really just normal but pissy. I guess the question will be answered when I'm pushed far enough in the corner.