Music

I've been paying a lot of attention to music lately. I'm living on a farm 2 miles from a town of 600 and my university is 18 miles away in a town of 16,000; I spend a lot of time alone at home. I look for ways to fill my time, but I'm sick of studying, and I'm sick of reading because of all the reading I must do to study. Music has re-emerged as an interest of mine. My sister calls music a drug, and I think I agree with her. Listening to music isn't what I'm talking about though, I feel the need to play music. I wonder if I should start playing the clarinet again, but I really think I should start playing guitar again. If I lived in a city I think I would buy a violin and get lessons, but it's almost impossible to get lessons right now.

There's just something incredibly joyful and fulfilling about playing music, and I doubt anyone who hasn't played or sung music can understand what I'm talking about, but I don't have the words to describe it any better. It's just something I feel compelled to do now... much like I feel compelled to write; whether it's a blog, poetry, or fiction.

I also have a philosophy course I'm taking right now. It makes me think a lot. For years I thought I had most things figured out, finally; but in this course, just by thinking very hard on a few things, I've realized that everything else I thought I had figured out is actually just a small part of life. I feel a little bit like Faust again, I've learned so much, but the most important part of life is living it, not studying it. I've discovered too that the best parts of my life, the happiest, have been when I've let go of my control of my life. I've always been very careful, tried to be responsible, and planned most of my life out. My plans have failed, and the best parts of my life have happened because of my instincts at the moment. I have a habit of overthinking... everything. Knowing a problem doesn't tell me how to solve it, but I have been practicing on thinking less. I control my thoughts, I don't let my mind go down too many roads at once, and it helps a lot. I've learned not to speculate. Still, trusting my instincts and emotions is a very, very hard thing for me to do since I've always believed making emotional decisions to be a mistake.

Now I've learned a lot, and I've reallized most of the people who study life a great deal never get to enjoy it. We have to learn to be selfish (at least a little bit) and try to get what we want instead of trying to convince ourselves we should be practical and not wish for frivolous things. This philosophy makes me think a lot, but not too much. Instead I'm able to step back the furthest I've ever been able to, I see life on this globe called earth, and the humans are no bigger or better than ants; only a little more complicated. The trick is to remember that even though we are like this, like millions of bugs running around with only our own lives important, our lives are actually important, and so too our feelings. They are the spark that makes life be life instead of a logical system that can be studied, programed and simulated on a huge computer. I like trying to imagine this spark of life, it's what convinces me there is a supreme being, a higher being, a God (but not the old man with a beard in heaven; I believe in Pantheism). I imagine looking at the world from space, but the world is in black and white. I can look at all the animals as they live their lives; the ants carrying out their small tasks, the dogs running and eating and sleeping, and humans walking around their lives. The humans leave a short trail of color that follows behind them. Our instincts are poorer, we have the free will to not do things that are good for us, and to do bad things, and to do things we don't like. We're different, inefficient forms of life, we make too many mistakes to be a natural animal, we think too much. That is what makes our lives special, that's what gives us color in a world of grey. =)