I stopped to talk with my dad a few days ago. I wanted to ask him what he thought about me spending so much money to go to Europe for a month and a half early in summer. He told me what I thought he'd tell me, but the way he said it he made me feel better about what I wanted to do. He said, "If you don't go, you'll spend the money here, and what will you have accomplished by staying? Will you be happier staying here? No! If you have the chance to travel, it's always worth it. Go!" =)))
My relationship with my dad has changed. I'm now 27 and he's 78. I'm no longer the little boy who asks his dad what to do because dad is older and knows better. Now I ask him what he thinks, and I'm allowed to disagree with him; I listen to what he says because he says intelligent things and gives good advice, not only because he's my dad.
I'm at peace again too. I don't feel the anger, or the low mood I felt several days ago. I remembered a few things I learned while in Germany. I need to remember who I am, and I shouldn't feel ashamed of what I feel. I don't need to justify how I feel, or explain why I feel it to anyone else. I've grown up with many expectations about me, from my family, mainly my mother, and my teachers. I realized I felt like a 27 year old boy because I was still reacting to other people's expectations of me. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I did certain things, and didn't do other certain things, because of what I believed people would think of me. Their opinion controlled my actions. It's nice to want to please others, but to have your decisions decided for you, or to feel guilty every time you make your own decision, is a type of slavery. In Germany no one who had expectations was around, I felt freer than I had at any time in my life, but that free feeling went away as I lived back home in the USA. I remember thinking as I was in Germany my last weeks, "I finally feel like I'm becoming a man. Really feel it, like I'm a man and not just someone who is older than 'boys.'" And maybe this sounds extremely silly, but it's the truth. Maybe if I thought about what words to use, it would sound better, but I think it doesn't matter.
I realize, too, that I keep bringing up my age. Hmmm, I think it's because I'm surprised at my age. 27 was always so old to me, and now that I'm this age, I don't really feel different. I don't feel 27. I don't look 27 either. My dad is the same way with his age. Haha, actually he told me a few days ago he was reading something and read that the average life expectancy is 75 for men. And he thought, well, that's good, that's pretty old; then he remembered that he is 78. =) He looks almost 20 years younger though. I'd say I look and act at least 5 years younger, and my little brother, well when he doesn't have a beard he looks like he's 12. =P He's 21 though.
So, I bought the tickets to Germany, and I will travel Europe and visit friends. =) It should be wonderful. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm at peace. I have been for a few days before I bought the tickets, but more so now.
Maybe I'm not the angry person I thought I was, but I think I am. Only when I ignore what I should do with my life though. The anger is there as a tool when I need it, but I think anger feeds itself, and soon poisons all you do with your life. I'm not afraid of it anymore, and I won't pretend it's not there, or feel ashamed of being angry. You should never be ashamed of how you feel, only seek to understand why you feel such a way. Maybe it's a poor reason why you feel some way, and you can be ashamed of that reason and change the reason, but what you feel is not the thing to blame.
... my mind is clear now and I can't think of any other thing to say. =)
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