Getting What You Want

I don't understand how I can change my mind so much in one day. Yesterday life was very clear, I knew exactly what I wanted from life, but today... today I don't remember. Actually, I do remember, I just don't remember why. Yesterday I felt deep down, in my gut, what I wanted; I felt it with conviction and certainty. Today... today it feels like it doesn't matter, it's not important anymore. Yesterday I was so happy to finally feel so strongly what I wanted, where I wanted to go with my life, everything was clear, and today it's like watching a recording, seeing pictures, of an adventure you had yesterday, you remember, but the rush is gone.

I think maybe I'm out of touch with reality, I'm now becoming insulated in my life, and I can't see or feel what's happening outside of my daily routine. It's something that plagues all Americans I think. Well, at least most Americans. The country is so big, it takes so long to travel outside of your state and even longer to travel outside of your accent, and it's even more difficult to travel outside of your culture. It makes you think that "THE World" is "YOUR World." I wonder if this is the reason the rest of the world thinks Americans are self-centered and dumb; judging from what I've met of Americans in Europe, I can't say the world is wrong in what they think, but I think there's a reason for Americans being the way they are.

Anyway, I see all that is around me in my day, and I remember traveling to so many other countries and hearing their languages and seeing the different ways of life, but now it's like it's not real, like all of it is just a movie I watched or a fairy-tale I read. That is what Europe is for me, it's a fairy-tale I've read about all of my life. I study History, I know the stories of many things that happened, and for me my fairy-tale is real. I can go there, I have been to the place where the 7 nation army defeated Napoleon, I have been to where the Vikings lived and have seen their descendants, I have crossed the strait where Europe turns into Asia... all of it is real, and there is a magical feeling being in these places you have only read about.

Right now I can only see the life around me, I feel only the life around me; I have to remind myself that the magical fairy-tale places I've been are real, that the wonderful people I met are real, and that I can be there and be real too, I won't disappear into dust when I get there. I have lived there before, and I became used to the daily magic, but now at home I know that the magic is missing. I must get back to it, whatever it takes, to where I feel most alive. I think that is part of the certainty I had yesterday. =) Now just to do it....