Self-consciousness

http://www.reference.com/browse/Self-consciousness


It's come to my attention recently how incredibly self-conscious I am.  I don't mean shy, although that does occasionally happen.  I'm talking about the self-examination, however.  In the "Psychology" section of the linked page, it states there are two distinguished facets of self-consciousness: Private Self-consciousness, and Public Self-consciousness.  I have a predilection for both, although the private variety is of a more constant manifestation than the other. 

A friend remarked recently that the only person I'm really uncomfortable to be in a room with, is myself.  I was quite surprised when he said this.  After thinking about for a while, I was even more surprised to realize he was right. 

The only way I can think to describe this situation, is to say that I am a quick study.  I learn things quickly, and I remember for a long time.  As such, I grow easily bored.  I find I constantly need something to occupy my mind, or I examine the only thing readily at hand... myself.  Those times that I feel most alive, most like a living being, are when my complete attention is required to do some activity; video games or movies are good at this, conversation is also excellent (assuming it's a good game, or an engaging conversation).  Books work as well.  But... after all of this activity, I require time to process all of the new information/stimuli.  Sleep and dreaming help, but I find if I don't have time to reflect while awake on what has happened to me... time to defragment like a computer... I become increasingly irritable and tired.  On the other hand, when I have too much time without enough activity, I tend to turn to self-examination.  It is at these times that my mood suffers, and everything I am not (goals I've not reached or desires unfulfilled) comes suddenly to haunt me.  I am aware of this when it is happening, but knowing about it doesn't help me in the least to shut it off.  Still, my private self-consciousness is fine.  I can handle that, and it rarely ruins my mood.  I see me as me, and see no reason to feel anything about myself... what I am, I am.  However, public self-consciousness... the way I believe I am perceived by others... this drives me insane.  A big part of this is I can't tell for sure what others think of me.  Kindness may be felt genuinely when a person is dealing with me.  But I'm also aware that sometimes people may act kind to me in order to avoid a confrontation for which they feel unprepared.  In fact, when I'm thinking about it, it becomes very difficult for me to accept kindness from anyone, because I'm too obsessed with "why" they are being kind. 

I'm pretty sure I have some degree of Asperger's Syndrome.  Routinely I feel like a mind operating my body from outside of my body, like I'm at the wheel controlling a human car.  I used to have much difficulty with abstract language, taking it always as literal.  Also, people and emotions are very difficult for me to understand.  I never feel emotions from another person, I have very little or no empathy.  I constantly look for signs and symbols in movement, tone, attitude, and facial expressions to tell me what a person is feeling.  It's like diagnosing a sickness sometimes... ok, this face with that vocal tone means a person is feeling sad.  Ok, why are they feeling sad?  Was I the cause?  What did I say?  I'll rewind the conversation in my head.  Ok, I don't see how I could be the cause... what fits to cause this balance of emotion in this person?  Oh, her dog died and she just looked at the road.  I wish I could feel these emotions without thinking about them... I think it somehow makes me less human and more robotic, but I don't know how to change it.  Actually, when I'm drunk, emotions become easy.  Flirting and caring become easier as well.  I assume it is because, needing to be constantly stimulated, I see so many details I can't see the big picture.  Being drunk reduces my ability... which means I miss a lot of details I would normally see, but I get the bigger picture more easily.  It also makes social interaction easier... instead of examining people, I simply interact with them.  (I examine people because it helps me to pay attention to them, otherwise, inevitably, I start to examine something else either present or in my head, and inadvertently begin to ignore whomever I'm with.  Don't ask me why... I have tried to "think less" but it's like telling your stomach to growl less when you're hungry)

And all of this relates, because I've recently had too much time.  I've started to examine myself, and I find myself wanting.  Granted, there's always room for self-improvement, but I finally have become aware of the difference between self-improvement, and detrimental self-judgment.  Still, being aware doesn't mean I'm able to turn the self-judgment off.  I usually find something else to occupy my thoughts. 

I guess that's that... I don't know what to do about it, except to maybe take with a grain of salt my judgement of all of my "failures."

I blame the transition time I'm in... little work, waiting on news of Master's Programs so that I can start the next step of my life.  This, right here, right now, is the doldrums.  I can't decide which is worse, inaction, or action in a random direction.