I've stated on more than one occasion that I don't like coming here to confess. I don't mind thinking publicly, but exploring my feelings... all of the little things, the inner workings, that make me tick like some clock... I'm not comfortable with that. I like my secrets. I'm not going to list the reasons why I like my secrets... I'm not even sure I should list them all... but I will say that I have read my astrological sign. I don't really believe in Astrology... but the description of Scorpio does seem to fit me well. Perhaps it's wishful thinking, perhaps it's just dumb luck... I don't know. I just know that it seems to fit, and as the descriptions list pitfalls and strengths... well, what's wrong with trying to improve my strengths and stay away from bad habits?
In any case, I was talking recently with a close friend. We talked about how people identify themselves. It matters a great deal what one associates with oneself. My friend helped me to think through my position in life by looking at my position within my family, and the culture (small town, Midwest) in which I grew up. I judge myself as a blue-collar person, working class. In my family, we work. We work hard. And when we have free time, we rest; we lounge; we enjoy ourselves, and savor quietude. This doesn't fit in with an academic life. In your free time, you should read and learn, become more and better educated. Point being, I'm stuck between the two. On top of this conundrum, I don't have to work hard to learn... it's always come easy for me. This may sound like I'm looking for sympathy for being smart and learning quickly... I'm not. I'm saying, not working hard at studying, at least not as hard as my fellow students, undercuts my confidence in being intelligent and a functioning member of academia. I don't view myself as a person with higher education, as a person with a successful academic career. It's taken me 9 years to earn a 4 year degree. However, when I look at the things I've done, and I apply them to someone else (that is, I think of the things I've done, and imagine someone else having done them), then I see no problem with the accomplishment. I would say, if I were that person, I would be proud. So why then do I not feel the proper level of pride in myself?
My friend helped me think through this. I don't identify with this person, the higher education and degree'd person. I identify with the worker, the laborer who works hard. Sitting in an office and using one's brain instead of working outside with one's back is something I respect in others... but I don't feel myself worthy of doing that, of sitting inside and using my brain and expecting to get paid for such a job. For myself, personally, having worked manual labor most of my working life (due in no small part to my large physical size and strength), the person inside thinking is seen as lazy. In fact, working excavating, the person in the machine, who gets to sit down and use hand controls, is seen as lazy and "no good" if they want to spend a lot of time in the machine. Also, my family is mostly working class... my mother has a college degree, but in art, and not until she was in her 40s. My father started working at 15, finished high school, but found college too intimidating, although he was, and is, a very intelligent man. My family was a family of farmers, hard workers. I don't see myself as a thinker... I don't see myself as a person who deserves to be paid for work that doesn't involve physical labor. I can think about it all I want, I can understand that the piece of paper that says I have a degree in History, and training in Creative Writing and German; but it remains true that thinking something is true, and feeling something is true, are entirely different things.
Now on to my bad dream, inspired by the evil question fish. I dreamed I was being tutored by my highschool guidance counselor. There were three of us, and we were taking a quiz. I couldn't remember the answer to my first question, I knew the answer to the second question, and as she asked the third question I was uncomfortable and I shifted in my chair. As I repositioned myself I thought, "Don't look at the piece of paper in her hands that has all of the questions on it," which of course is exactly the same as saying, "Don't look down" whenever one is at a high height. She caught me looking, even though I didn't need to, and she became very upset and said, "Ah, I see you now for what you are, you cheating little boy!" And suddenly I was a kid again in school, I had been caught cheating, and everything I had earned was going to be taken away, my life and future were ruined.
I've had a lot of stress lately... I want to work in Germany, but I've never worked in Germany, I've never had a job where I had to use my mind instead of my back, I've never been graduated and not gone to school/university. I'm scared of it. This is the nightmare I had, where I found out I was not worthy of the life I want. It's made me think, and I decided there are things I must do to ensure that I am the person I need to be, that I have the right opinion of myself, that I am worthy of the life I want. It sounds like some great proverb, doesn't it? "Be worthy of the life you desire." Still, there it is, and here I am. And I guess that's that's the secret that's been gnawing at me. I'm a 28 year old boy who is scared of the next step in life. And, I guess actually, that's not such a bad thing; surely I'm not the only one. Man up, Jason... man up, and scare the question fish away.
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